Reid's Speech Stuff: July 2007

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Thursday, July 5, 2007

Debate: Old Debate Guide - Primarily for Judges

1. Overview of debate
The basic premise of all debate is that you are the judge. Literally and figuratively, you are the deciding factor. Yes, there are criterion fur judging, but it really boils down to who convinced you and who communicated their ideas to you better.
If one of the debaters makes an argument and it sounds flaky to you, call them on it. Write it down on the ballot. Just remember, that no matter what, the judge is always correct. Even if the competitors all think the judge is wrong, the judge is still correct. It’s even better than being a real judge because there’s no appeals process for them to overturn you.

2. Lincoln-Douglas
Lincoln Douglass is a value and morality debate. The topic will change every couple of months (so usually each tournament we go to will use a different topic).
This category is truly about who can persuade you better. You will hear some terminology and I’ll cover that, but for the most part, it’s all about who has the best marketing. To decide this you can consider all sorts of things. First and foremost, their ideas should be clear to you. They can have best ideas and arguments, but if they can’t communicate them…oh well. The arguments should be constructed in such a way that you weigh the ethics of the situation and the given topic. The side has the greater moral justification for their claims wins.
They should have evidence, perhaps in the form of quotes from noted philosophers (you might hear names like John Locke, John Stuart Mill, Emmanuel Kant, Abraham Maslow, if you have no idea who these people are or what they stood for, that’s okay, most of the students don’t have much of a clue either). They may give you examples or hypothetical situations and say that, “well, under these conditions, the moral justification supports the affirmative.” They may throw statistics at you (although this is less common). They will do whatever they can to make their point, support their point and get you to understand their point. If, at the end of the debate, you don’t understand their point, don’t feel bad, just write “hey, you sounded good, but I have no idea why the Categorical Imperative says it’s immoral to impose an Orwellian state on students who only want to be involved in the Chess Club. I’m sorry, you didn’t make you’re point clear.” That’s all the justification you need. It is their responsibility to justify their moral ground. Not yours. While it is their responsibility to provide evidence, it is also your responsibility NOT to provide it for them. You aren’t allowed to connect the dots for them or add in your own ideas or ideology, just listen.
As for terminology, the first thing you will hear about, the most important thing you will hear about, is the VALUE. The VALUE is the kind of general concept, or moral idea that they will use to support their side. For example, you may hear one of the negative speakers say “my VALUE is Individual Privacy.” What that means is that the negative debater will try to prove that the affirmative side is not justified because we in America hold privacy to be one of our fundamental rights. There are all kinds of values. Some make sense, other don’t. Again, this is your call. If someone has the value of Bilingual Education, certainly, that’s a good value. It just has no place in a debate about Medical Privacy. The value and how well the debater supports it, is what determines the win/loss for the round.
The next big thing you’ll hear about is the VALUE CRITERION. I like to think of the VALUE CRITERION as the top of the Monopoly box. It’s essentially the set of rules that govern how we’ll play this little game called debate. Most of the novice debaters and some of the varsity debaters won’t know how to properly create, use and argue the VALUE CRITERION. Don’t let it disturb you. For example, the affirmative speaker may have a VALUE CRITERION of Educational Responsibility. That’s a pretty abstract concept. Most of us would stare blankly ahead and imitate Homer Simpson. What the speaker is attempting to tell you, is that each school, each education institution has a responsibility to its students. (“oh, okay”), We have to shape today’s debate in that context, (“losing me here….”). In order to have a fair debate, we need to look at the responsibility that a school has towards its students, and see which side best meets those responsibilities (“okay, you do your job, I do mine, whoever does the better job wins. Got it”) . The VALUE CRITERION (VC, or just CRITERION) is used to set the parameters in which the debate must take place. A good debater will know how to use this. A poor debater will rattle off something that sounds great, without really knowing what if means. It is up to you to decide, which set of rules is better to judge the debate by. Just as legal judges have to decide based upon the set of rules that is the law, LD debate judges must decided based upon the set of rules that is the VALUE CRITERION.
You will hear other terms, like CRYSTALIZATION (summary), FLOW (the notes they are constantly taking). The basic rules is, they have to make you understand, if they don’t, it’s their fault, not yours. Don’t let the terminology get the best of you.
Some things to look for in LD: The debate itself rests on the idea of a conflict. If there is no conflict in the debate, well, I can think of a number of things I would rather do on a Saturday. When you see this, note it on the ballot “I don’t see the conflict in this debate anymore, it seems you guys have gotten off track.”
One of the things we normally teach students is that the last speech they give should be a summary, a CRYSTALIZATION of the round. What were the key issues? Why, in a nutshell, should you vote for that particular side? Should you fall asleep during most of the round, listening to the crystallization at the end can be great. It is not required for competitors, but the more experienced ones will do it and it does make things a lot clearer.
Also judge them on delivery. Did they maintain eye contact with you? Could you hear them? Were they jumping around? Playing with pens? Doing anything unprofessional? You can rank them down for this to, or make note of it on the ballot.

3. Controversy / TTD / Public Forum
As the new category, I honestly can’t tell you much about this. If you are at all familiar with extemporaneous speaking, that’s what I personally expect from controversy teams. They shouldn’t necessarily have everything memorized, but they should be maintaining eye contact with you most of the time. The style isn’t much like debate at all. It’s centered more on who can form the better ideas. The topic will be given to them ahead of time, so they should be reasonably prepared. To be honest, this one is real simple. It comes down to who convinced you the best. This category was specifically devised with the intention of helping novice JUDGES get their feet wet in debate and though there are ground rules the category is still in infancy.

4. Policy Debate
There are different levels of Policy debate. This category, I warn you, is a sure cure for insomnia. Policy debate is based primarily on evidence. While the competitors can make some arguments based on logic, I’d be wary about anything they say is “common sense.” It’s been my experience that “common sense” isn’t all that common. There are different judging criteria based upon judges personal preference, but here in Hawaii, most of the judging is based upon stock issues (things like (SOLVENCY, INHERENCY, TOPICALITY, terms which will be explained below).
Since the policy debaters have the same topic over the course of the whole year, you may find yourself hearing the same case (or a pretty close copy) several times over. Over time, you should see cases improve and evidence get updated for information that becomes available. When deciding between conflicting pieces of evidence, I’ll usually opt for the most credible and most up to date source provided. You can ask to see a piece of evidence if you like.
There is a lot of terminology associated with policy debate. Rather than telling you how to judge, I’d like to go over some of the terms you’ll come across. I’m sure I’ll forget some of them, and I apologize. But this is a pretty decent list to start with.
HARMS: This is pretty straightforward. The HARMS of the case outline the problem in the status quo that we are debating today. For example, under this year’s resolution, HARMS may be things like overfishing, reef killing algae or Eskimos molesting salmon.
SOLVENCY: Is directly related to HARMS in that the affirmative team’s plan or the negative team’s counter-plan has to be proven to solve the HAMRS that they bring forth. If they cannot reasonably prove that they solved for those things then the plan should lose, because it’s not going to work. Solvency is simply the proof you present that you plan can and will do what you say it will. It’s what separates the marketing aspects of debate and the engineering aspects of debate.
WORKABILITY: Not to be confused with SOLVENCY. WORKABILITY deals with whether the plan can reasonably be put into action. For example if the plan calls for an increase in taxes for funding, how reasonable is it that the public would go along and approve an increase in taxes? Or if the plan required that Congress pass a Constitutional Amendment, is it proven that Congress would be willing to do so? WORKABILITY asks not about whether the plan would work, but whether the plan could be put into action at all. This is directly connected to INHERENCY.
INHERENCY: In policy debates, the teams create plans on the. First off, their plans should not be something already in place or on the planning table at the moment. Second is that usually this plan is one which faces difficulty being put into place. Both of these concepts are related to INHERENCY. What INHERNECY asks, is whether there is some barrier in place for getting he plan enacted. The barrier can take many different forms. The students will use terms like ‘attitudinal barrier’ (the people don’t want to change). All of these really boil down to the fact that there is something in the status quo that would require prodding to put the plan into action (sometimes you might have to beat a few people with a really big stick). Maybe people don’t want their taxes increased for funding the plan, or Congress would disagree and not pass the plan, or the President is strongly against it because it doesn’t bomb someone. For whatever reason, the debaters plan must account for some barrier to implementation.
TOPICALITY: In order to have a proper debate at each tournament, the teams should both adhere as closely to the resolution as possible. This is where topicality comes in. For example, the resolution may contain the term ‘establish’. If we define it as “to create something new,” than any plan presented must be new and cannot copy something already in place in the real world. Or you may find the term ‘significantly’. Well, what is ‘significant’? How much of a difference do you need to make? One fish? Two fish? Red fish? Blue fish? While the ultimate decision is up to you, the teams should present evidence and numbers to back up their competing claims about the significance of the plan.
Your job in determining topicality is to listen to the definitions provided by both sides, determine which (if there are opposing definitions) is the more appropriate, and then decide whether the plan abides by those definitions.
Hints and Tips
You’ll see a lot of differences between JV and Varsity policy. The varsity policy teams for example tend to speak quicker. If they go too fast for you, put your pen down and stare straight ahead. This is a sign to them to slow down.
You’ll also notice that they tend to follow the flow more. You should expect better organization from the more experienced debaters. If you ever get lost in the organization of the debaters, it’s their fault, not yours. Make note of it on the ballot.
You may come across topic specific terms in these debates. There are terms that are relevant to the topic but not to debate in general that you are not familiar with. You’re not supposed to be. The debaters are supposed to explain it. Any acronyms they use, they are supposed to define. All of this goes back to being able to communicate their ideas to you. The most important thing I can express to you is that the judges is never wrong, the debater is just unable to communicate the idea effectively.

Extemp: old extemp questions 2005 Thanksgiving

IX
Middle East
• A year after the death of Arafat, are Palestinians better off?
• Is Iran’s development of a nuclear weapon inevitable?
• Can Saddam Hussein get a fair trial?
• Can Chalabi gain the support he needs to administer Iraq?
• Is there anything that can stop the rash of bombings across Iraq?
• Can Ariel Sharon maintain his pullout of Gaza?
• Will Al Qaeda attacks against moderate nations like Jordan increase in the coming months?
• Will insurgent actions from Iraq spread to nearby Arab nations?
• Do Sunni’s have a political strategy for their role in the Iraqi government?
• Should Arab nations normalize relations with Israel?
• What does Saudi Arabia’s entry to the WTO mean for the nation’s economy?
• Can the Saudi government contain the growing support for militants?
• Should the US repay Iraq for work done by Halliburton?
• Will the December vote in Iraq find overwhelming support among the people?
• What role should Hamas play in Palestinian elections?
• How can the US shorten the growing reach of the Zarqawi network?
• What can bring together Iraq’s different political factions?
• Would a Palestinian State boost the security of Israel?
• What more should Saudi Arabia to do fight terrorism?
• Is Jordan’s King Abdullah out of touch with his own people?
• Is Iraqi reconstruction proceeding on schedule?
• Will looted Iraqi relics ever be recovered?
• How can the Sunni’s be encouraged to participate in the December Iraqi elections?
• Are female suicide bombings going to be an increasingly popular tactic by Al Qaeda?
• Can the US negotiate a lasting peace deal between Israel and Palestine?
• Should richer, Persian Gulf oil states share the oil revenues with poorer Arab states?
• Is Iraq exporting terrorists?
• Will the movement of Moqtada al-Sadr towards mainstream politics encourage greater Shiite participation in the Iraqi government?
• Would the loss of Zarqawi end organized insurgency efforts in Iraq?
Europe
• How can France quell the Paris riots?
• Is Europe ready for the Bird Flu?
• Will the rest of Europe see civil unrest like that in France?
• What are the economic factors behind the riots in France?
• Is Viktor Yushchenko succeeding in his plans to repair Ukraine?
• What reforms are necessary in European immigration policy?
• Is Turkey’s accession to the European Union a good idea?
• Can the German coalition government meet its goals?
• Will the UK pass significant anti-terror legislation?
• Does the Labour Party in the UK face serious internal conflict?
• Is the British health care system failing?
• How should the UK address terror threats?
• Have Russia’s actions in Chechnya tarnished its relationship with the EU?
• Can Vladimir Putin keep Russia on course?
Asia
• How serious is the Bird Flu threat?
• How long can China keep up its huge trade surpluses?
• How can the US effective engage North Korea to stop nuclear development?
• Can multilateral talks work with regards to North Korea?
• Will China allow its currency to rise in value against the dollar?
• How can Japan improve its ties to the rest of Asia?
• Should China allow greater foreign access to its markets?
• Will Chinese money be the core of global capital funds in the coming decade?
• Can Afghani corruption be stopped?
• What is necessary to control the narcotics trade in Afghanistan?
• What agenda does Prime Minister Koizumi have for Japan?
• Is Japan’s economy on track for a continued rise?
• Will closer US-Japan military ties act as a deterrent against North Korea?
• Can sanctions work against North Korea?
• Is Japan ready to let go of its Imperial family?
• Would opening its markets be in the best interests of China?
•
Latin America
• Will free trade agreements provide enough economic stimulus for Latin America?
• Should the US end its Cuba embargo?
• Are Land Reforms a good idea for Venezuela?
• Can President Hugo Chavez effectively leverage Venezuela’s oil wealth to get what he wants?
• Can Colombia disarm right-wing paramilitaries?
• Will former President Alberto Fujimori be tried in Peru?
• Will a Free Trade Zone across the Americas benefit the United States?
• Will General Pinochet actually stand trial?
• How can Latin American better curb the narcotics trafficking?
•
Africa
• What more should the international community do to combat AIDS in Africa?
• Is debt relief a realistic solution to ending African poverty?
• Can Ethiopia prevent political unrest from turning into a civil war?
• Will elections in Liberia result in any significant reforms?
• Should the US intervene in Zimbabwe?
• Should the UN take action to stop deportations in Zimbabwe?
• Will Zimbabwe admit to failure on its land reforms?
• Does lack of infrastructure doom Sub-Saharan Africa to poverty?
• Is there a political solution to the problems in Darfur?
• Why isn’t more being done to combat famine and hunger in Africa?
• How can Ethiopia resolve the problems that are at the heart of its current crisis?
• How long can Robert Mugabe maintain control of Zimbabwe?
•
UN/Intl Orgs/Economy
• Is the world economy healthy?
• How has free trade changed the world economy?
• Can unanimous decisions continue to effectively run the UN?
• How can the international community better prepare for the next major natural disaster?
• Can global free trade work to aid developing nations?
• Has the developed world failed to offer acceptable amounts relief to victims of the Southeast Asian earthquake?
• Should the UN revoke its mandate for US troops in Iraq?
• Do IMF loan stipulations do more harm than good for developing nations?
• How can the WHO control a global outbreak of Bird Flu?
• Are global mergers still good business practice?
• What motivates suicide bombers across the world?
• Should the UN have greater control over the Internet?
• Do NGO’s do more harm than good in developing nations?
• What more should be done to reduce global deforestation?
• What should the world do to stave off an avian flu outbreak?
• What effects does global warming have on developing nations?
• Is global free trade losing steam?

NX
Politics
• Will Democrats win big in next year’s midterm election?
• Will Sam Alito be confirmed to the US Supreme Court?
• Will ethics questions be the legacy of the Bush Administration?
• Can the Bush Administration move quickly beyond the CIA leak case?
• Will Christian “values voters” continue to dominate the Republican Party?
• Is the US ready for a female President?
• Will the indictment of Scooter Libby pose a serious problem for the Bush Will Karl Rove be indicted?
• Administration?
• Is Sam Alito the most qualified person for Supreme Court nomination?
• Can the Republican Party appease right wing voters and not lose the moderates?
• Will the Democrats continue to pick up political victories?
• Is the ‘nuclear option’ practical in a Supreme Court fight?
• Will Democrats fight the nomination of Sam Alito to the Supreme Court?
• Can Tom DeLay get a fair trial in Texas?
• Should there be a litmus test for Supreme Court nominees?
• Should the White House replace some of the top Presidential staffers?
• Can President Bush reunite the Republican Party over budget issues?
• How is the Democratic National Committee doing under the direction of Howard Dean?
• How can the President turn around his approval ratings fall?
• Is the Iraq war a political problem for the President?
• Can the Bush Administration recover from the CIA leak investigation in time to assist the Republican Party in the midterm elections?
• Can the Democrats maintain secular support and still campaign on moral values?
• Can the Democrats develop and present real plans to American?
• Will Sam Alito be confirmed to the Supreme Court?
• What steps need to be taken to bring down the Zarqawi terror network?
• Will opinions on abortion hang up the nomination of Sam Alito?
• Would a Democratic filibuster of the Alito nomination backfire?
•
Economy
• Should the US end farm subsidies?
• How can the Congress get a handle on budget deficits?
• Should simplification of the tax code be a priority for the Bush Administration?
• Is Ben Benanke the right choice to follow Alan Greenspan in running the Federal Reserve?
• Is the federal government too reliant on foreign debt?
• Is the housing boom doomed to collapse?
• Should the federal government enact price controls on petroleum?
• Is the federal government giving enough in relief to Gulf Coast hurricane victims?
• Should the US take stronger trade actions against China?
• Is the economy facing a slowdown?
• Are US innovators losing their competitive edge against foreign companies?
• Is it time to reconsider a flat tax?
• Will businesses use bankruptcy as a way to avoid paying out obligations to retired employees?
• Will increased immigration increase American wages?
• When will the Fed end its increase in rate hikes?
• What can be done to reduce the rising costs of higher education?
• Can Ben Bernanke keep inflation at bay?
• Will the market see strong growth in 2006?
• How can the US reduce its foreign debt?
• What more should be done to close the trade gap with China?
Social Issues
• How serious is the threat from the Avian Flu?
• Is the US prepared for a large scale epidemic?
• Who should bear the costs of rebuilding the Gulf Coast?
• Can Congress develop an effective energy policy?
• Should the US be doing more to develop renewable energy resources?
• What role should the federal government play in establishing curriculum for schools?
• Should oil drilling be allowed in ANWR?
• What is necessary to secure the border with Mexico?
• Has American made all the progress it needs to in the areas of Civil Rights?
• Who should be held responsible for flu vaccine shortages this year?
• Should the federal government open funding to more stem cell lines to scientists?
• Should the retirement age be raised?
• Will the new Medicare drug benefits really improve American health care?
• Has FBI abuse of the USA PATRIOT Act been overblown?
• Should the teaching of Intelligent Design in schools become an issue for the federal government to take up?
• Has No Child Left Behind been successful so far?
• Have the monies from tobacco settlements been misspent by states?
• Should the US enact a moratorium on capital punishment?
• What should the US do to prepare for the avian flu?
• Will there be significant social backlash if the Roe v. Wade decision is overturned?
•
Foreign Policy
• Is US foreign policy too unilateral?
• Should the US push China to enact religious tolerance reforms?
• How can the US entice Sunni’s to participate in the December Iraqi elections?
• Who should be held responsible in the Iraq oil-for-food scandal?
• Will a Free Trade Zone across the Americas benefit the United States?
• What role should the US play in nuclear negotiations with Iran?
• Will closer US-Japan military ties act as a deterrent against North Korea?
• How is John Bolton doing as Ambassador to the UN?
• How can the US establish closer ties with Saudi Arabia?
• What more can the US do to improve its image internationally?
• How should the US answer torture allegations from detainees?
• Can the US negotiate a lasting peace deal between Israel and Palestine?
• How can the US encourage reconciliation between the different political factions in Iraq?
• Should the US push for closer international ties in space exploration?
• Should the US be doing more to help stabilize Afghanistan?
• How has American managed to keep its oil prices so low for so long?
• Should US negotiations with North Korea involve talks on human rights offenses?
• What can the US do to push for greater Mexican involvement in policing the border?
• Should the US consider a timetable for a troop withdrawal from Iraq?
Military/Defense/Iraq
• Is the American public support for the war in Iraq coming to an end?
• How is the US doing in the war on terror?
• What is necessary to gain local support for US efforts in Iraq?
• Did the White House misuse intelligence in pushing the case for war against Iraq?
• Will US support of Ahmad Chalabi be enough to stabilize his administration of Iraq?
• How have stories of US mistreatment of prisoners harmed the effectiveness of US military forces abroad?
• Will the public call to withdraw troops from Iraq continue to gain public support?
• What further steps are necessary to secure America’s seaports?
• Is increased airport security making flights more secure?
• Should the US be held accountable to the reports of Iraqi spending audits?
• How can US forces secure the December vote in Iraq?
• Do partisan critics hurt the war effort?
• How can the military improve its recruiting numbers?
• Is the US strategy against Iraqi rebels working?
• Can the US train up sufficient Iraqi military forces in time to successfully combat the insurgency?
• Has the US effectively dealt with the threat of terrorists obtaining nuclear weapons?
• Can America secure its rail transportation systems?
• How can the US shorten the growing reach of the Zarqawi network?
• Should Guantanamo detainees have their access to the courts limited?
• How will the war in Iraq impact future votes for war powers?
• Has America’s focus drifted away from finding Osama bin Laden?
• Why has public support for the war in Iraq fallen so quickly?
•

Extemp: old extemp questsion from Nov 2006

Extemp Questions
Round 1 - Asia
1. Will Taiwan attempt to declare independence in the shadow of the 2008 Beijing Olympics?
2. Can China control its economy?
3. Can America shrink its trade deficit with China?
4. How dangerous are North Korea’s nuclear weapons?
5. Will a Nuclear North Korea be willing to return to the 6-Party talks?
6. Should the world provide more humanitarian aid to North Korea?
7. Is Thailand’s economy due for a makeover?
8. Will Thailand’s new cabinet enact significant new reforms?
9. Has South Korea’s “Sunshine Policy” with the North worked as it was intended to?
10. Is Internet censorship in China working?
11. Is Japan’s economy on the verge of a strong resurgence?
12. Can an increase in Japan’s birth rate secure the economy for another generation?
Round 2 - Europe, Africa and Latin America
1. Has Bosnia’s new constitution worked to keep the peace?
2. How effective were the reforms initiated by Ukraine’s Orange Revolution?
3. Should Turkey be admitted into the EU?
4. Will the Horn of Africa be ignored in the war on terror?
5. How can war-torn Africa move forward?
6. Does Nigeria have any hope for a stable future?
7. How much has Rwanda healed in the years since the genocide?
8. Would cheap retroviral drugs help African nations develop?
9. Will a larger force really prevent illegal border crossings from Mexico to the US?
10. Is the US embargo against Cuba still necessary?
11. How dangerous is Hugo Chavez to American interests?
12. Can Lula de Silva effectively combat poverty in Brazil?
Round 3 - US
1. How will the Republican controlled Congress fare in the wake of the Mark Foley scandal?
2. What will it take to have real campaign finance reform?
3. Can the Big Three American automobile manufacturers continue to compete in the global marketplace?
4. Does the US spend enough on primary and secondary public education?
5. Is a guest-worker visa program a tenable solution to the growing problem of illegal immigration?
6. How can the rising costs of higher education be curbed?
7. Is America positioned for a resurgence of centrist politics?
8. Is it time for the US to take another look at universal health care?
9. Should The Fed raise interest rates?
10. What should the Bush Administration do with Guantanamo Bay detainees?
11. Is the threat of homegrown terrorism overstated?
12. Which nation will pose the greatest threat to US security in the next decade?
Spare Round – Middle East
1. What steps are necessary to defeat the Iraqi insurgency?
2. Is a lasting Arab-Israeli peace a pipe dream?
3. What is preventing Iraq from establishing a viable domestic police force?
4. How can narcotics trafficking in Afghanistan be curbed?
5. Has the death of Yasir Arafat improved life for the Palestinian people?
6. Is the Israeli “security fence” still a good idea?
7. What can America learn from Israel’s experience in occupying Palestine?
8. What pieces are still missing to achieve peace in Iraq?
9. Is a lasting peace between Syria and Israel a real possibility?
10. Should Iraq be carved into Sunni, Shiite and Kurdish states?
11. Will expansion of Israeli settlements end hope for lasting peace with Palestine?
12. Will Iraq prove to be a training ground that will begin to export terrorists to other areas?
Final Round - Global Issues
1. Is America doing enough internationally to provide Humanitarian Aid?
2. Does the US exert too much influence in the UN?
3. Who does Fair Trade benefit the most in the global economy?
4. Is the UN World Food Program doing enough to reduce world hunger?
5. Who will be the next UN Secretary General?
6. Does free trade promote labor exploitation in third world countries?
7. Will the development of nuclear weapons in Iran prompt similar activities throughout the Middle East?
8. How should the world react to Iran’s continued pursuit of nuclear weapons?
9. Is the IAEA doing its job effectively?
10. What can the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation do to best help the world?

Wednesday, July 4, 2007

Extemp: Old Extemp Questions from 2006

NX – January 2006
Crime/Justice
• How important should adherence to precedent be when selecting new Supreme Court Justices?
• What more should the federal government do to combat eco-terrorism?
• Should Democrats try to block the confirmation of Samuel Alito?
• What have we learned so far about the Roberts Court?
•
Politics
• Will tougher lobbying laws really curb corruption?
• How much will corruption play into this year’s midterm elections?
• How much will the scandal surrounding Jack Abranoff damage the Republican Party?
• Will Republican anti-corruption reforms be well accepted by politicians and the American public?
• How can we reduce the overwhelming amount of money in elections?
• Weill lobbying reform work?
• Should there be a new enforcement officer for lobbying and ethics rules in Washington DC?
• Should politicians be given free airtime for campaign advertisements?
• Who can the Republicans unite behind in 2008?
• Does the president have enough political capital to push through is agenda?
•
Foreign Policy
• Should the US be more actively involved in Pakistan?
• Why is the US still fighting the Taliban in Afghanistan?
• How can the Bush Administration ease tensions between the US and Europe?
• Will US military strikes in places like Pakistan cause a withdrawal of international support in the war on terror?
• Has the Bush Administration mishandled the ongoing nuclear disagreement with Iran?
• How should America react to Hugo Chavez?
• Should USAID foreign assistance be used to promote Bush Administration goals for spreading democracy?
Economy
• Will the reopening of universities in New Orleans help stimulate economic recover?
• Are traditional pension plans doomed?
Environment/Energy/Science
• Should the US devote more resources to developing renewable energy sources?
• How can American energy policy become less dependent on Middle Eastern oil?
Immigration
• What changes are needed to make an effective immigration policy?
Education
• How high of a priority should schools be in the restoration of New Orleans?
Health
• Is enough being done to combat homelessness?
• Should the federal government seek to overturn state laws allowing doctor assisted suicide?
• What more should the federal government do to help the millions of Americans without health insurance?
• Does the new Medicare drug plan need revision?
• Can America combat obesity?
• How should congress deal with the problems in Medicaid and Medicare?
• Is it time to consider universal health insurance?
•
Defense
• Is the goal of secular democracy in Iraq possible?
• What lessons can history provide to US forces in Iraq?
• What can the US do to repair Iraq?
• With all the resources thrown at him, why has Osama bin Laden been caught yet?
• What more should the US do to develop the Iraqi military?
• How much has corruption stifled progress in Iraq?
• How long can the US continue to sustain its level of deployment?

IX – January 2006
Africa
• What actions are necessary to end violent rebellion in Nigeria?
• Should the UN get out of the Ivory Coast?
• Should UN peacekeepers have a stronger mandate across Africa?
• Should NATO get more involved in Darfur?
Asia
• Should the international economy be concerned about China’s large trade surplus?
• Is Taiwan on the verge of a political shift in power?
• Is rapid market expansion causing social disturbance in China?
• Is Japan ready for a female to succeed to the throne?
Europe
• How can the Bush Administration ease tensions between the US and Europse?
• How can real democracy reestablish itself in Russia?
• Should Europe reduce its dependence on Russian oil?
• Does anyone else find it funny that people in a country named Turkey are dying of the bird flu?
• How can Europe reduce its dependence on Russian oil and gas?
• Will the withdrawal of Italian troops from Iraq by the end of 2006 further chill relations between the US and Europe?
• Is Europe Al Qaeda’s new front?
Global Issues
• Should there be international sanctions against Iran?
• What lies behind rising global oil costs?
• How should the global community work together to combat bird flu?
Latin America
• Should the global community be more concerned about the world’s oil supply?
• Is a resurgence of violence in Haiti inevitable?
• Is Colombia doing enough to combat coca farming?
Middle East
• What would happen if American forces left Iraq?
• Would the withdrawal of US troops ignite a civil was between Iraq’s Sunnis and Shiites?
• If American troops withdrawal from Baghdad what would stop Iraqi Sunnis from launching an attack to try to control the city?
• Would a withdrawal of US troops embolden the Iraq insurgency?
• Would a reduction of US troop levels in Iraq cause an increase in the number of foreign Jihadi fighters?
• Would the Kurds in Iraq try to secede if US troops left?
• If US forces leave Iraq would Iran try to gain control?
• Is the goal of secular democracy in Iraq possible?
• What lessons can history provide to US forces in Iraq?
• What can the US do to repair Iraq?
• Can sabotage and covert assassination stop Iran from becoming a nuclear power?
• What more should be done to develop the Iraqi Defense Force?
• Why does Iraq not have enough trained military and police forces?
• How much has corruption stifled progress in Iraq?
• What will history say about Ariel Sharon?
• Should Israel remove voting rights for Palestinians associated with any terrorist organization?
• Will the death of the Kuwaiti Emir create any significant shift in that nation’s policies?
• Should the Israel military be used to forcefully remove settlers that refuse to relocate?
• Would international economic sanctions against Iran be effective?
• Can diplomacy resolve the nuclear tensions with Iran?
• Can Saddam get a just trial?
• Can Mahmoud Abbas gain the upper hand over militant Palestinian groups like Hamas?
• Can Hamas manage the Palestinian government?
• Should the US deny aid to Palestine until Hamas changes its charter?
• Will the new Palestinian government seek peace with Israel?
• Who should preside over the trial of Saddam Hussien?
• What does the election of Hamas mean for the Palestinian people?
•

Extemp: Old topic areas (2006)

These are different topic areas for extemp from 2006.

1. Africa – Aids
2. Africa – Civil War
3. Africa – Dafur
4. Africa – Economy
5. Africa – Liberia
6. Africa – Politics
7. Africa – South Africa
8. Africa – Uganda
9. Africa – Zimbabwe
10. Asia – China
11. Asia – Economy
12. Asia – Free Trade
13. Asia – Indonesia
14. Asia – Japan
15. Asia – North Korea
16. Asia – Oil
17. Asia – Philippines
18. Asia – Politics
19. Asia – South Korea
20. Asia – Terrorism
21. Asia – Thailand
22. Europe – Bosnia
23. Europe – Economy
24. Europe – Energy
25. Europe – EU
26. Europe – Euro (EMU)
27. Europe – France
28. Europe – Free Trade
29. Europe – Germany
30. Europe – Immigration
31. Europe – Russia
32. Europe – Spain
33. Europe – UK
34. Europe – Ukraine
35. Global – Aids
36. Global – ASEAN
37. Global – EU
38. Global – Free Trade
39. Global – Global Health
40. Global – Human Rights
41. Global – Hunger
42. Global – International Humanitarian Aid
43. Global – Narcotics
44. Global – NATO
45. Global – Poverty
46. Global – Trade
47. Global – UN
48. Global – WHO
49. Global – World Economy
50. Global – WTO
51. Latin America – Brazil
52. Latin America – Cuba
53. Latin America – Economy
54. Latin America – Free Trade
55. Latin America – Immigration
56. Latin America – Mexico
57. Latin America - Narcotics
58. Latin America – Oil
59. Latin America – Peru
60. Latin America – Politics
61. Latin America – Venezuela
62. Middle East – Afghanistan
63. Middle East – Egypt
64. Middle East – Humanitarian Aid
65. Middle East – Iran
66. Middle East – Iraq
67. Middle East – Israel
68. Middle East – Jihad/Religious Conflict
69. Middle East – Jordan
70. Middle East – Oil
71. Middle East – Palestine
72. Middle East – Syria
73. Middle East – Terrorism
74. Middle East – War On Terror
75. Middle East – Water
76. US – Economy
77. US – Education
78. US – Elections
79. US – European Relations
80. US – Foreign Policy
81. US – Health Care
82. US – Immigration
83. US – Iraq
84. US – Medicaid
85. US – Medicare
86. US – Politics
87. US – Trade
88. US – War on Terror
89. US – Welfare

Extemp:l Example Extemp Outline

What can be done to quell the rage in Iraq?

ANS: Treat the symptoms of the rage to get rid of it.

• Causes of rage:
a. Internal Religious and Ethnic conflict
b. Iraqi Nationalism against the ‘invading’ US
c. Lack of economic development and infrastructure
We need to tackle all three areas to quell the rage in Iraq

1. Internal conflicts
a. Pop. 22 Million ( from Atlas)
b. Ethnic background breeds conflict between Arabs and Kurds. “There are Kurds in the way.”
i. 75-80% Arab
ii. 15-20% Kurdish
iii. 5% Other (Turk, Assyrian, etc)
iv. (Fox News 12, 13, 14 Apr., CNN 12, 13, 14 Apr.)To solve this, we need to balance the interests of the groups, give the Kurds some autonomy over the regions where they are in the majority, balance the power in the new government that the US will turn over power to this summer (June 30 is handoff date)
c. Religion
i. 97% Muslim – long history of clash between the two Muslim groups
1. 60-65% Shi’a
2. 32-37% Sunni
ii. 3% Christian
iii. Solve by 1. killing the Christians and 2.
iv. (CNN 12, 13, 14 Apr.)We also need to quiet religious fanatics and extremist clerics like the one providing most of the resistance and uprising in places like Fallujah.
d. (July 25, 2003 CSM (Christian Science Monitor) Iraq has a large population in poverty and though it had a large middle class for the Middle East, there is still a significant class distinction between rich and poor. This leads to tensions between the haves and have-nots. Need economic development to solve.
e. (CNN Oct. 2002) American intervention in Iraq has led to sharper conflicts between internal religious groups and anti-Kurd movements

2. Iraq Nationalism
a. WE BOMBED THEM!!!!!!! But it was for their own good. (Pres. Bush speech 13 Apr.)
b. WE BOMBED THEM!!!!!!! So that we could help them get democracy where Kurds get an unfair proportion of power. (USA Today 14 Feb)
c. (BBC April 2002) WE BOMBED THEM!!!!!!! So that we could overthrow an evil dictator that created the largest middle class in the middle east and replace it with a system of anarchy and chaos
i. (BBC) America wiped out the middle class in Iraq since 1991 Gulf War
d. WE BOMBED THEM!!!!!!! And we expect what? A cookie?

3. Iraq needs an economic base to develop
a. (US Institute of Peace Dec 23, 2003) Developing a middle class is the key to peace and stability
b. (U Mich. “Strategy for Economic Reconstruction and Development of Iraq”) Develop a strong trade center, develop oil, develop democracy to protect property and infrastructure
c. (US Institute for Peace 6 Aug 2003)
i. need to reconstruct roads and infrastructure
ii. promote development of local Iraqi businesses
iii. provide US aid as long as necessary – to strengthen and promote the Iraqi government

Extemp: 59 Headlines

59 Actual Newspaper Headlines (collected by journalists)
1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
2. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
4. Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
5. Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
6. Farmer Bill Dies in House
7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
8. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
9. Stud Tires Out
10. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
11. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
12. Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
13. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
14. Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
15. Eye Drops off Shelf
16. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
17. Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
18. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
19. Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
20. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
21. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
22. Miners Refuse to Work after Death
23. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
24. Stolen Painting Found by Tree
25. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
26. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
27. Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
28. Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
29. Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `84
30. War Dims Hope for Peace
31. If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
32. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
33. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
34. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
35. Deer Kill 17,000
36. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
37. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
38. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
39. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
40. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
41. Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
42. Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
43. British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
44. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
45. Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
46. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
47. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
48. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
49. Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
50. Air Head Fired
51. Steals Clock, Faces Time
52. Prosecutor Releases Probe into Under sheriff
53. Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
54. Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
55. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
56. Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
57. Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
58. Include your Children When Baking Cookies
59. 4-H Girls Win Prizes for Fat Calves

Extemp: Attention Getters

Under the Bush administrations new education restructuring plan, the grading system would change. A "A" grade could mean average, and a grade of "F" denotes "Fantastic." All this restructuring really means is that millions of American students would finally be getting a first rate education. Of course we should expect no less of a system that teaches the "Three R's or Reading, Riting, and Rithmatic

In Texas recently an inmate was put to death based upon the testimony of a sole eyewitness. In light of this I'd like to try a little test. I'd like you to describe from memory, the last speaker in here. How tall was he/she? What was he/she wearing? Was he/she wearing glasses? Okay, now if this person was accused of murder, would you feel comfortable sending him/her to death based upon your description?

Did you know that one in every 200 people is a psychopath? There are _______ people in Congress alone. What does this say to us about our government?

Hydrogen is an explosive gas....Oxygen supports combustion. Yet when these are combined, they form water, with is used to fight fires. Likewise, Jesse Jackson is an explosive liberal and Rush Limbaugh supports combustion of liberals, but when they are combined......oh never mind, that would cause lots and lots of fire.........

Did you know that cat urine glows under a blacklight? Did you know that if you count the number of times a cricket chirps in one minute, divide by 2, add nine, and divide by two again, you have the correct temperature in Celsius? Isn’t it amazing what we learn in school? While 90% of Dutch teenagers are fluent in English, where only 80% of American teenagers are fluent in English, but I’ll bet the Dutch kids don’t know about cat urine and blacklight. The American education system is not without its problems......

If lawyers can be disbarred and clergymen defrocked, shouldn't it follow that... ...electricians can be delighted... ...musicians denoted... ...laundry workers decreased... ...cowboys deranged... ...models deposed... ...dry cleaners depressed... ...and maybe, with any luck, politicians devoted?

Enclosed is my 2000 Tax Return & payment. Please take note of the attached article from USA Today. In the article, you will see that the Pentagon paid $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat. So, please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029). This brings my total payment to $3429.00. Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return. Might I suggest you the send the above mentioned fund a "1.5 inch screw?" (See attached article...HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch Phillips Head Screw.) It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year. I just saw an article about the Pentagon and "screwdrivers." Signed, A Faithful Taxpayer

Can you imagine working at the following company? It has a little over 500 employees with the following statistics: * 29 have been accused of spousal abuse * 7 have been arrested for fraud * 19 have been accused of writing bad checks * 117 have bankrupted at least two businesses * 3 have been arrested for assault * 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit * 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges * 8 have been arrested for shoplifting * 21 are current defendants in lawsuits * In 1998 alone, 84 were stopped for drunk driving Yes, these employees are the 535 members of your United States Congress. The same group that perpetually cranks out hundreds upon hundreds of new laws designed to keep the rest of us in line.

Good Luck: Leprechaun
Bad Luck: Ted Kennedy
Good Luck: Rabbit’s foot
Bad Luck: ...Yeah, real lucky for the rabbit...
Good Luck: Finding a four leaf clover
Bad Luck: Finding a four leaf clover in a patch of poison ivy
Good Luck: Wishing on a falling star
Bad Luck: Wishing on a falling Russian Space Station
Good Luck: Dropping a penny in a wishing well
Bad Luck: Dropping a young child in a wishing well
Good Luck: Rubbing Buddha’s belly
Bad Luck: Rubbing Al Gore’s belly
Good Luck: Good luck pennies
Bad Luck: ...dropped on you from the top of the Empire State Building
Good Luck: Finding $10 on the street
Bad Luck: Finding a $10 hooker on the street
Good Luck: Winning the lottery
Bad Luck: Winning a visit from Pat Robertson
Good Luck: Crucifix or Rosary
Bad Luck: Being Catholic
Good Luck: Pot of gold at the end of a rainbow
Bad Luck: Pot of gold at the start of a 10 year stint for theft
Good Luck: Rubbing a bald head
Bad Luck: Rubbing Jesse Ventura
Good Luck: Lucky #7
Bad Luck: Fixing numbers for Enron gets you 7 to 10
Good Luck: Blowing on the dice when playing craps
Bad Luck: Blowing on Andrew Dice Clay

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD
Ronald Reagan - "I forget"
Mark Twain - "The news of his crossing has been greatly exxagerated".

Pentagon Buzz-Phrases
Essentially complete... It's half done.
We predict ... We hope to God!
Risk is high, but within acceptable ranges of risk: 100:1 odds, or with 10 times over budget using 10 times the people we said we'd employ.
Potential show stopper... The team has updated their resumes.
Serious but not insurmountable problems... It'll take a miracle.
Basic agreement has been reached... The @##$%%'s won't even talk to us.
Results are being quantified... We're massaging the numbers so they will agree with our conclusions.
Task force to review... Seven people who are incompetent at their regular jobs have been loaned to the project
Not well defined at this time... Nobody's even thought about it.
Still analyzing the requirements... See previous answer.
Not well understood... Now that we've thought about it, we don't want to think about it anymore.
Requires further analysis and management attention... Totally out of control!
Results are promising... Turned power on and no smoke detected -- this time.

Policy Debate Judging criteria
Solvency: So far the only things I see being solved, is insomnia
Harms: The only harm in policy debate is the harm to my intelligence
DisAd: ...and I could have been watching a round of SPAR, or HI
Ad: ...at least I didn’t have to sit through another round of PR
Topicality: Resolved: The Federal government should enact new legislation to ban the judging of policy debate as cruel and unusual punishment

Journalism course the University of Arizona:
ICBM – Inter-Continental Business Machine
Fidel Castro - Palestinian leader whose wife likes to buy lots of shoes
Alzheimer’s - Imported beer

AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked "intellectual leadership". He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence...

Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting to please come out and give himself up...

An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts...

A man in Taormina, Italy was hospitalized after swallowing 46 teaspoons, 2 cigarette lighters, and a pair of salad tongs.

Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month -- a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system..."

A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

Los Angeles Police lucked out with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"

A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. "He was seen hopping and jumping around," said police spokesman Mike Carey, "with an explosion taking place inside his pants." Police have the man's charred trousers in custody.

A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day suspension under his elementary school's drug policy last week - for Certs! Joey Hoeffer allegedly told a classmate that the mints would make him "jump higher." And a student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days for giving a classmate a cough drop. School principal Forest Mann reiterated the school's "zero-tolerance" policy...not to be confused with the "zero-intelligence" policy...

In Medford, Oregon, a 27-year-old jobless man with an MBA blamed his college degree for his murder of three people. "There are too many business grads out there," he said. "If I had chosen another field, all this may not have happened."

In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain.

More than 600 people in Italy wanted to ride in a spaceship badly enough to pay $10,000 a piece for the first tourist flight to Mars. According to the Italian police, the would-be space travelers were told to spend their next vacation on Mars, amid the splendors of ruined temples and painted deserts. Ride a Martian camel from oasis to oasis and enjoy the incredible Martian sunsets. Explore mysterious canals and marvel at the views. Trips to the moon also available. "Authorities believe that the con men running this scam made off with over six million dollars.

A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"

In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. Hmmm...wonder what he uses for a knife?

Authentic Graffiti
“Make love, not war. Hell, do both: get married!” - Women's Restroom; The Filling Station. Bozeman, Montana
“I've decided that to raise my grades, I must lower my standards.” - Houghton Library, Harvard University. Cambridge, Massachusetts.
“It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.” - Written in the dust on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona.
“If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.” - Revolution Books. New York, New York.
“A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.” - Women's Restroom, Dick's Last Resort. Dallas, Texas.
“No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her crap.” - Men's Restroom, Linda's Bar and Grill. Chapel Hill, North Carolina.
“If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress!” - Men's Restroom, House of Representatives. Washington, D.C.

Extemp: Jokes

An engineer died and ended up in Hell. He was not pleased with the level of comfort in Hell, and began to redesign and build improvements. After a while, they had toilets that flush, air conditioning, and escalators. Everyone grew very fond of him. One day God called to Satan to mock him, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?" Satan replied, "Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God was surprised, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here."
"No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer, and I'm keeping him."
God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll sue!" Satan laughed and answered, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go, and he couldn't return to Earth.
The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "A million dollars," he answered, "because I want to donate it to MIT."
The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for two million dollars. "I want to give a million to my family", he explained, "and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."
The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, He whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars." "Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked. The lawyer replied, "If you give me $3 million, I'll give you $1 million, I'll keep $1 million, and we'll send the engineer."

In the beginning, God created heaven and earth. Shortly thereafter God was in receipt of a notice to show cause why he shouldn't be cited for failure to file an environmental impact statement. He was granted a temporary planning permit for the project, but was stymied by a Cease and Desist Order for the earthly part. At the hearing, God was asked why he began his earthly project in the first place. He replied that he just liked to be creative. Then God said, "Let there be light." Officials immediately demanded to know how the light would be made. Would it require strip mining? What about thermal pollution? God explained that the light would come from a huge ball of fire, and provisional approval was granted with the proviso that no smoke would result. The authorities demanded the issuance of a building permit, and (to conserve energy) required that the light be left off half the time. God agreed, saying he would call the light "Day" and the darkness "Night." Officials replied that they were only interested in protecting the environment, not in semantics. God said, "Let the earth bring forth green herb and such as many seed." The EPA agreed, so long as only native seed was used. Then God said, "Let waters bring forth creeping creatures having life; and the fowl that may fly over the earth." Officials pointed out this would require approval from the Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audubongelic Society. Everything went along smoothly until God declared that he intended to complete the project in six days. Officials informed God it would take at least 200 days to review his many waiver applications and environmental impact statements. After that there would have to be a public hearing, and then there would be a 10-12 month probationary period before.... At this point, God created Hell.

Three guys, a Canadian, Osama Bin Laden, and Uncle Sam are out walking one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it. "I'll give each of you one wish, that's 3 wishes total" says the genie. The Canadian says, "I'm a farmer, my dad was a farmer and my son also will farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada". With a blink of the genies eye, poof, the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming. Osama Bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan so no infidels, Jews or Americans can come into our precious state." Again with a blink of the genies eye, poof, there was a huge wall around Afghanistan. Uncle Sam asks, "I'm very curious, please tell me more about this wall." The genie explains, "well, it's about 15,000 feet high 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country, nothing can get in or out it." Uncle Sam says, "Fill it with water".

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said,"Someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job. Then Congress said,"How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies. Then Congress said,"How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports. Then Congress said,"How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions, a time keeper, and a payroll officer, then hired two people. Then Congress said,"Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary. Then Congress said,"We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost." So they laid off the night watchman.

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging of how great their fathers are. The first one says:"Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow". The second one says:"Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet". The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then says:"You two know nothing about fast. My father is a civil servant. He stops working at 4:30 and he is home by 3:45"!!

A Guy walks into a store. He sees three brains on display. One is a Libertarian Brain, priced at $250. The second is a Democrat Brain, priced at $275. The third is a Republican Brain, priced at $5,000,000. The Guy asks the sales clerk,"Man, why does the Republican brain cost so much more than the other two?" Clerk replies,"Well, sir, that brain has never been used.

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and has each of them try to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming. The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten raccoon. The raccoon is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

A few day's after George W. Bush's inauguration, a man came up to the uniformed Marine on duty at the White House and said "I'd like to see President Clinton. The Marine politely answered "Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer president." The man said, "Oh, O.K." and walked away. The next day the Marine was again on duty and the same man approached and again asked to see President Clinton. The Marine again answered, "Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer president." Again the man answered, "Oh, O.K." and walked away. The next day the same man approached the same Marine and again asked to see President Clinton. The Marine, a little annoyed, said "Sir, I've told you, Mr. Clinton is no longer president. Don't you understand that?" "Yes, I do" said the man, "But I just enjoy hearing it." The Marine smiled and said, "See you tomorrow"

Four boys were fishing. As their boat rounded a point on the lake, they saw a man thrashing in the water. With no hesitation, they jumped into the water and saved him. It was not until they pulled him to shore that they noticed the man they had saved was President George Bush, who had slipped away from the Secret Service for a swim. When President Bush caught his breath, he thanked the two boys and offered them anything they wanted in return for saving his life. The first boy thought about it for a while and finally answered. "I would like a presidential appointment to West Point so I can serve my country." The next two thought that was a great idea, but one said he had always wanted to be a pilot so he would rather attend the Air Force Academy. The third boy chose the Naval Academy. The president turned to the fourth boy, who was still thinking. Finally he answered, "Mr. President, I would like a burial with honors at Arlington National Cemetery" The president was shocked and asked the boy why he would make such a request at his young age. The boy replied "Because when my father finds out I saved you, he is going to kill me!"

A seedy-looking man was sitting in the first row at a town meeting, heckling the mayor as he delivered a lengthy speech. Finally the mayor pointed to the heckler and said, "Will that gentleman who differs with me please stand up and tell the audience what he has ever done for the good of the city?" "Well, Mr. Mayor," the man said in a firm voice. "I voted against you in the last election."

An older couple had a son, who was still living with his parents. The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his future career. They decided to do a small test. They took a ten- dollar bill, a bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table, and hid, pretending they're not home. The father's plan was: "If our son takes the money, he will be a businessman, if he takes the bible, he will be a priest - but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a drunkard." So, the parents waited nervously, hiding in the nearby closet. Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive. The son saw the note they had left. Then, he took the 10-dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket. After that, he took the bible, flicked through it, and took it. Then, he grabbed the bottle, opened it and took a whiff, to get assured of the quality. Then he left for his room, carrying all the three items. The father slapped his forehead, and said: "Darn. Our son is going to be a politician!"

It was election time, again. So, a politician decided to go out to the local reservation to gather support from the Native Americans. They were all assembled in the Council Hall to hear the speech. The politician had worked up to his finale, and the crowd was getting more and more excited. "I promise better education opportunities for Native Americans!" The crowd went wild, shouting "Hoya! Hoya!" The politician was a bit puzzled by the native word, but was encouraged by their enthusiasm. "I promise gambling reforms to allow a Casino on the Reservation!" "Hoya! Hoya!" cried the crowd, stomping their feet. "I promise more social reforms and job opportunities for Native Americans!" The crowd reached a frenzied pitch shouting "Hoya! Hoya! Hoya!" After the speech, the politician was touring the Reservation, and saw a tremendous herd of cattle. Since he was raised on a ranch, and knew a bit about cattle, he asked the Chief if he could get closer to take a look at the cattle. "Sure," the Chief said, "but be careful not to step in the hoya."

A turkey was standing in a field chatting to a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of yonder tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Whereupon he was spotted by a farmer who dashed into the farmhouse, emerged with a shotgun, and shot the turkey right out of the tree. Moral of the Story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

There once was a happy little fly buzzing around a barn one day when she happened upon a large pile of fresh cow manure. Since it had been hours since her last meal and she was feeling hunger pangs, she flew down to the irresistible delicacy and began to munch out. She ate and ate and then she ate some more !!! Finally, she decided she'd had plenty. She washed her face with her tiny front legs, belched a few times, then attempted to fly away. But alas she had pigged out far too much and could not get off the ground. She looked around wondering what to do about this unpleasant situation when she spotted a pitchfork leaning upright against the barn wall. She'd found a solution!! She realized if she could just become airborne she'd be able to fly. So, she, painstakingly, climbed to the top of the handle. Once there, she took a deep breath, spread her tiny fly wings, and leaped confidently into the air. She dropped like a rock and splattered all over the floor. Moral of the Story: "Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of crap."

A priest was driving along and saw nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing the habit to open and reveal a leg. The priest looks and nearly has an accident, and after changing gear lets his hand slide up her leg. She immediately says, "Father, remember Psalm 129". The priest says sorry and removes his hand but is unable to remove his eyes from her leg. Further on when he changes gear and has ogled at her leg for the zillionth time he lets the hand slide up the leg again. The Nun once again says, "Father remember Psalm 129". Arriving at the convent the nun gets out and the priest goes on his way. Once he arrives at his church he rushes to the bible and looks up Psalm 129 and it said, "GO FORTH AND SEEK, FURTHER UP YOU WILL FIND GLORY" Moral of the Story: In your job should always be well informed or you may miss a great opportunity.

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Moral of the Story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Einstein, Casals, Picasso, and GW bush die and go to heaven. St. Peter is waiting for them, and requests identification. Einstein, who is first in line, says "I don't have any ID, but I can explain the equivalence of matter and energy." He is given a blackboard and proceeds to give an eloquent explanation of one of his most famous theories.
"Only Einstein himself could explain this so well," says St. Peter.
"Step right in, professor. Next?"
Then Casals, who is next in line, says "I don't have any ID, but I can
play my cello to prove who I am." He is given a cello and plays the most beautiful music imaginable.
"There's no question, you must be Casals," says St. Peter. "Next?"
Picasso steps to the gate. "I don't have any ID, but I can paint a
picture to prove who I am." He is given some brushes and paints a spectacular picture.
"Okay, you're Picasso. Go right ahead," says St. Peter. "Next?"
"I'm George W. Bush," says the former president, "but I don't have any
ID. How can I prove who I am?"
"Well," says St. Peter. "Einstein was just here, and he discussed some
of this theories. Then there was Casals , who played the cello for us. Then Picasso came, and he painted a picture. Can you do anything like that?"
"Who are Einstein, Casals, and Picasso?" asks Eisenhower. St. Peter
looks at him and says,"Mr. President, go right in."

Why is it that in the US, we punish people for their vices? Isn’t the punishment inherent in the vice itself. You smoke, you get cancer. You drink too much, you wake up hung over. You have unprotected sex you get marriage. Punishment is natural.
That’s why drugs should be legal. If passing out on a park bench in winter because you’re too stoned to use your keys isn’t punishment enough….Besides, when you put them in jail, you’re only giving them a warm place to stay.

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room observed, "Yeah, right."

A police officer stops a driver and says, "Not only have you been driving too fast, you've been overtaking where it was not allowed. Your lights don't work, your tires all completely worn out... This is surely going to cost you a lot. What's your name ?"
"Schtrathewisizeski Vocgefastilolngchilnic."
After hesitating a bit, the officer replies with a stern look on his face, handing back his driver's license, "OK, let this be your last warning. Don't let me catch you doing this again."

A visitor from Netherlands was explaining the colors of his country's flag to his American host, "Our flag symbolizes our taxes. We get red when we talk about them, white when we see our tax bills and blue after paying them." The American host replied, "It's the same here, only we also see stars."

British archaeologists find several pieces of copper wire and they estimate the age to be about 25,000 years old. The British government proudly claims that the English had telephones a long long time ago. At around the same time, German Archaeologists find glass strands and they announce that ancient Germany was wired by fiber optic networks. The next month, the French Minister of Culture and Language announces, "Well, we dug and dug and found nothing. Therefore, we are pleased to conclude that ancient French used cellular phones, proving once again their superiority over their counterparts who used seemingly primitive technologies."

A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?" The mother says, "It's my daughter Heather. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings." He examines Heather, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, ma'am, but your dear Heather is about 4 months into it." The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Heather baby?" Heather is indignant; she replies furiously, "Absolutely not! I've never even kissed a man, mama!" The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there, doctor?" The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, we are told a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it this time!"

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat" "Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot. One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with -- who else? -- the parrot. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and another and another. After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"

The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."
"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."
"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and discussing their work. The first one said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. Everything inside them is numbered." "I think librarians are the easiest," said the second. "When you open them up, all their organs are arranged alphabetically." The third surgeon said, "I prefer to operate on electricians. Their organs are color-coded." "You're all wrong," said, the fourth. "Lawyers are easiest. They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and asses are interchangeable."

President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see one of his aides nervously approach him. "What is it?" yells the President. "It's this abortion bill, Mr. President. What do you want to do about it?" the aide asks. "Just go ahead and pay it." responds the President.

Canada recently passed a law which puts a skull and crossbones symbol on a pack of cigarettes to signify its harmful effects. In light of this, people in the US are raising the question of whether the US should put the symbol of a happy face on packages of medical marijuana.

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting the $100.
When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord, USA, they decided to send it to the President.
The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5 bill.
The little boy was delighted with the $5 and sat down to write a thank-you note to the Lord, which read:
Dear Lord,
Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington DC and, as usual, those jerks deducted $95

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the bread-winner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you People.
The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People gets ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

POLITICAL VIEWS DEFINED
Socialism - You have two cows. Give one to your neighbour.
Communism - You have two cows. Give both to the government. The government gives you milk.
Capitalism - You sell one cow and buy a bull.
Facism - You have two cows. Give milk to the government. The government sells it.
Nazism - The government shoots you and takes the cows.
New Dealism - The government shoots one cow, milks the other, and pours the milk down the sink.
Anarchism - Keep the cows. Steal another one. Shoot the government.
Conservatism - Freeze the milk. Embalm the cows.
Liberalism - Give away one cow. Get the government to give you a new cow. Now give them both away.

Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an
Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Worker.
To show off, the Engineer called to his dog.
"T-Square, do your stuff."
T- square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle.
Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his dog could do better.
He called his dog and said, "Slide Rule, do your stuff."
Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each.
Everyone agreed that was good. But the Chemist said his dog could do better.
He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff."
Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop.
Everyone agreed that was good.
Then the three men turned to the Government Worker and said, "What can your dog do?"
The Government Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff."
Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Worker's Compensation and went home on sick leave.

Seeing the brand new Porsche in the dealership windows Bill walks in, opens the door, sits in the car, adjust the mirrors and sear, sits back and closes his eyes and begins to grins widely. After a few seconds, a salesman, walks up.
“ I see your thinking about buying this car.” He says
“Oh I’m definitely buying this car,” says Bill. “But I’m thinking about women.”

The coroner is tasked to examine a body that just came in. He thinks it might have been have been a man named George he met once but he body is so badly so he calls in Georges two best friends to see if they can help in the ID. Al, the first friend walks in and says, “he’s pretty badly burned alright. Roll him over.” Staring at the dead man’s behind, al announces confidently, “nope, that’s not George.” Thinking it kind of a strange way to deny the ID, the coroner brings in the second friend Joe, who agrees, “yup he’s pretty badly burned but roll him over.” Again staring at the dead man’s behind the frined confidently announces that it is not George. “How do you know that it’s not George?” the still bewildered coroner asks. “Poor George had two assholes.” Said Joe.” What? How could he have two assholes?” asked the shocked coroner. “Everybody knows George has two assholes. Every time the three of us go out, everyone says, ‘oh look, there goes George and those two assholes’.”

California issued another power alert today. And things are getting serious. With computers, televisions and stereos all off, families are coming dangerously close to talking to one another.

Hit Television Shows in Iraq:
"Husseinfeld"
"Mad About Everything"
"U.S. Military Secrets Revealed"
"Suddenly Sanctions"
"Allah McBeal"
"Children Are Forbidden From Saying Anything Darndest"
"Buffy The Slayer of Yankee Imperialist Dogs"
"Iraq's Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers"
"Achmed's Creek"
"The Price is Right If Saddam Says It's Right"
"Two Guys, a Girl, and a Mosque"
"When Kurds Attack"
"My Two Baghdads"
"Everybody Loves Saddam Or He'll Have Them Shot"
"Captured Iranian Soldiers Say the Darndest Things"
"Totally Clothed Baywatch"

At a recent meeting between Pres. Bush and the Pope, a short hour long session got stretched to two days by complications in their discussion. After two days a weary Bush stood in from of the press and announced to the press that the meeting was a huge success with him and the Pope agreeing on 80% of the material. A few minute later, a tired and frustrate Pope addressed the press with a sad demeanor declaring the meeting a huge failure. A reporter asked why it was that the meeting was a success if he and the Pres. agreed on 80% of the material and the Pope replied, "Because we were talking about the 10 Commandments.

A List of Short Books
1) A Guide to Arab Democracies
2) A Journey through the Mind of Dennis Rodman
3) Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean
4) Career Opportunities for History Majors
5) Contraception by Pope John Paul II
6) Detroit - A Travel Guide
7) Different Ways to Spell "Bob"
8) Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches
9) Easy UNIX
10) Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance
11) Everything Men Know About Women
12) French Hospitality
13) Bob Dole: The Wild Years
14) How to Sustain a Musical Career by Art Garfunkel
15) Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette
17) Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA
18) Popular Lawyers
19) Staple Your Way to Success
20) The Amish Phone Book

A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."
The kid is puzzled, but decides to ask his mother. "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"
"Don't tell your father, but yes, I would."
He then goes to his sister's room. "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"
She replies, "Omigod! Definitely!"
The kid goes back to his father. "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with two easy women."

Similarities between the Titanic video and the Clinton grand jury testimony video:
Titanic: $9.99 on the Internet
Clinton: $9.99 on the Internet
Titanic: over 3 hours long
Clinton: over 3 hours long
Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, a subsequent catastrophe
Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, a subsequent catastrophe
Titanic: villain - White Star Line
Clinton: villain - Ken Starr
Titanic: Jack is a starving artist
Clinton: Bill is a B.S. artist
Titanic: In one part, Jack enjoys a good cigar
Clinton: Ditto for Bill
Titanic: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined
Clinton: Ditto for Monica
Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit
Clinton: Let's not go there
Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry
Clinton: Monica forced to return her gifts
Titanic: Behind the scenes, Leonardo DiCaprio is wildly popular
Clinton: Behind the scenes, Bill has a 70% approval rating
Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death
Clinton: Bill goes home to Hillary

There are a lot of video games. There are a lot of Jewish actors. They stare in a lot of movies based on video games. There is only one Jewish video game. It’s called Quicken.

There was an old woman who was walking down the street one windy day. As each gust of wind would come, her skirt would fly up exposing, everything it covered. After this happened a few times, a young man walking behind her sheepishly asked,
“Ma’am, why don’t you try to hold down your skirt as you walk so the gusts of wind don’t lift it up and, well…. Expose you”?
“Sonny”, she said sternly, “ Everything below this skirt is 82 years old, this hat on my head is brand new”.

Dry cleaning is a scam, you cannot clean my dry because I do not own one, nor can you clean with dry since it is not really a think. I can’t walk in and say “Here’s my coat I would like it cleaned with only 100% pure organic dry please.” Doesn’t happen. Worse yet, if I bring in a shirt caked with mud and say “Here’ you go I want this shirt spotless and you can’t use any liquids.” What are they going to do, blow on it real hard? The whole bit is a sham to sell wire hangers and plastic wrap.

Three convicts are on their way to jail and are allowed one item to pas time while incarcerated. The first prisoner turns to the second and asks, “So what did you bring?”
“I brought paints.” Claims the first one. “I’ll be the Grandma Moses of jail and I’ll paint anything I can get my hands on. How ‘bout you?”
’I brought a deck of cards.” The first one replies. “ I can play any number of games, poker, solitaire, blackjack, gin, whatever.”
The third convict, seeing the other two, begins to smile to himself. Thje other two, taking notice, ask him, “Why are you so smug, what did you bring?”
“I brought a helmet here.” he says patting the box
Puzzled, the other two ask what he intends to do with it
“Well,” he says, “according to the box, I can go bike riding, skydiving, rollerblading…” -

A man’s wife sent him out one day to buy a ham. Upon his return she remarked, “Oh, you forgot to cut the end of the ham off.”
“Why would I want to cut off the end of a ham?” asked the man.
“I don’t know,” responded, the wife, “It’s just something I learned from my mother.” The next day while visiting his mother in law, the man asked why she cut’s off the end of ham.
“Oh, she replied, I don’t know I guess it’s just something I learned from my mother.”
More curious now, the man decided to call up the grandmother long distance, and asked her why she cuts off the end of a ham. “Well,” she replied, “It’s really very simple, my oven is too small to cook the whole ham.”
We often do things out of simple convention, rather than doing things out of purpose and reason.

All in all, the White House hasn’t changed all that much since GW Bush took office. The only real difference is that we went from a President that embarrassed his daughter to daughters who embarrassed the President.

A manager is having an affair with his secretary. One night the man wakes up in his mistresses bed and realizes he is very late, he should have been home hours ago. "quick" he says, waking up the mistress, "take my shoes and walk around in the yard with them." He said. Not understanding, the woman complied anyway, as the man hopped into the shower. He gets out of the shower, quickly dresses and goes home.
As he reaches the doorway, he is greeted by his angry wife. "Where have you been?" she yells at him. "Do you have any idea what time it is?"
"I can't lie to you dear, I've been having an affair with my secretary. After making passionate love to her, I fell asleep and only woke up twenty minutes ago." the husband replies sorrowful.
"Don't you lie to me you jerk," the woman screams. "I see your shoes, you've been golfing again!"

In today's vibrant economy, even previously undesirable traits like being rude and obnoxious, can lead to successful careers. Telemarketing for example, or Sunday morning Political Pundit.

The Federal Government rarely makes any sense. Take for example, the Uniformed Division of the Secret Service. Doesn't the uniform sort of give away the secret? What makes even less sense is that they drive around in white cars with little shield logos painted on the side. You know, even illiterate criminals know a white car with a shield on the side means "cop."

Political correctness remains a hot topic today, though to be honest, I don't understand it at all. I mean, politics is one of the least respected professions in the whole world, so the idea that anything could be correct with it seems...well...incorrect. Now political suicide or putting them all in political asylum seems to be a better goal.

While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 90-year-old man, a doctor and the old man were discussing Bush's health care reform ideas. The old man said, "Well, ya know, old Bush is a post turtle."
So, not knowing what he meant the doctor asked him what a "post turtle" was.
He said, "When your driving down a country road, and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle. You know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't belong there, he can't get anything done while he's up there, and you just want to help the poor thing down."

George W. and Laura are at a restaurant. The waiter tells them tonight's specials are chicken and fish.
"The chicken sounds good; I'll have that," Laura says.
The waiter nods. "And the vegetable?" he asks.
"Oh, he'll have the fish," Laura replies.

A woman drove a mini-van filled with a dozen screaming kids through the mall parking lot, looking for a space. Frazzled, she coasted through a stop sign. "Hey, lady, have you forgotten how to stop?" yelled an irate man. She rolled down her window and yelled back, "What makes you think these are all mine ?"

A man walks into a lawyer's office and asks how much the barrister's rates are.
The lawyer says fifty dollars for three questions.
The man asks, "Isn't that awfully expensive"
"Yes," the lawyer replies, "what's your third question?"

A drunk was driving through town, weaving violently all over the road, when a cop finally pulled him over.
"Where have you been?" asked the cop.
"At the pub," slurred the drunk.
"Well, it looks to me like you've had quite a few," the cop snapped.
"I guess I did," said the drunk with a smirk.
"Are you aware that your wife fell out of the car a few intersections back?" the cop asked sternly.
"Thank goodness," sighed the drunk. "I thought I had gone deaf!"

A White House press release noted that during his last physical, Pres. Bush measured his resting heart rate at 43 beats per minute. Not only does this make him the healthiest Pres. to date, it also marks the first time a President’s resting heart rate equals his IQ

A Senator was walking doen Pennsylvania Ave. one day when he noticed an old bottle lying on the sidewalk. Wanting to be a conservationaist conservative he picked up the bottle and wiped it off. Suddenly a magic genie appeared.
“Thank you for setting me free. In return for my freedom i shall grant you one wish.”
So the Senator thought a while and finally he said, “alright, I’ve got it, work in the Senate ges me so wound up I really need a vacation. The only problem is I have a fear of flying and boats take too long. Could you build me a bridge to _____(insert warm and sunny place here, by default I would say Hawaii or Grand Cayman, but for a Cuba question if may be good to improvise)______.”
“He, he, he.....uuuummmmm,” said the genie, “see, here’s the thing. It’s been about 5,000 years and I’m kind of rusty, could we maybe try somethign a little easier here?”
“okay,” replied the Senator, “how about ___(insert topic here, ‘a balanced budget’, ‘a bi-partisan congress’, ‘a decent Pres.’, ‘welfare reform’)_________”
“Right.” The genie quickly responded, “and how long was that bridge again?” (or if you like the other punchline is “and would you like that bridge with two lanes or four?”)

Three Wannabe Detectives
A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 second and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his profile."
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be
too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"
The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds"...think hard before giving me a stupid answer."
he blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmm...the suspect wears contact lenses."
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer...wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that." He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.
"Wow! I can't believe it...it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?
"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

HOW TO MESS WITH THE IRS!
(Internal Revenue Service, an agency of the government to whom Americans pay taxes on their salary.)
--Always put staples in the right hand corner. Go ahead and put a down the whole right side. The extractors who remove the mail from the envelopes have to take out any staples in the right side.
--Never arrange paperwork in the right order, or even facing the right way. Put a few upside down and backwards. That way they have to remove all your staples rearrange your paperwork and re-staple it (on the left side).
--Line the bottom of your envelope with elmer's glue and let it dry before you put in your forms, so that the automated opener doesn't open it and the extractor has to open it by hand.
--If your very unfortunate and have to pay taxes use a two or three party check.
--On top of paying with a three party check pay one of the dollars you owe in cash. When an extractor receives cash, no matter how small an amount, he has to take it to a special desk and fill out of few nasty forms.
--Write a little letter of appreciation. Any letter received has to read and stamped regardless of what it is or what its on.
--Write your letter on something misshapen and unconventional. Like on the back of a Kroger sack.
--When you mail it, mail it in a big envelope (even if its just a single EZi form). Big envelopes have to be torn and sorted differently than regular business size ones. An added bonus to the big envelope is that they take priority over other mail, so the workers can hurry up and deal with your mess.
--If you send 2 checks they'll have to staple your unsightly envelope to your half destroyed form.
--Always put extra paper clips on your forms. Any foreign fasteners or the like have to be removed and put away.
--Sign your name in ink on every page. Any signature has to verified and then date stamped.
NOTE: These are just a few of the fun and exciting things you can do with the man. These methods are only recommended when you owe money

Reid's Speech Stuff