Extemp: 10 Commandments

In today's political climate, the formulation of law does not follow a heavenly model. To illustrate how low we've sunk, here's how the Ten Commandments might have been developed if the process were governed by current political rules. Chief heavenly pollster informs God of alarming findings: His flock is hungry for moral guidance. God floats a trial balloon, leaking word to key town criers that he is formulating a comprehensive policy statement on proscribed human behavior to be called "The Ten Commandments." Opponents are sharply critical of the plan, asking, "Do you want the same guy who runs the weather to tell you how to live your life?"
Slipping in the polls, the Deity taps David Gergen, formerly associated
with the Party of Darkness, as "Counsel to the Creator." Gergen sees "absolutely no problem" with his previous service under Satan.
"All The Almighty's Men," a scathing insider view of celestial politics is released, triggering a nosedive in the Lord's approval rating. National Big Heavy Stones Association demands rescission of "Thou Shalt Not Commit Murder" prohibition, claiming it infringes on the protected Right to Bear Arms and noting that "Rocks Don't Smote People, People Smote People." God appoints Moses, influential human being person, as his Morality Spin Doctor. They brainstorm strategy: "What if we chiseled the thing on a tablet or something, and you come down from a mountain holding it up above your head looking like Charlton Heston. Would that not be an awesome Photo Op, or what?" Pharaoh Cuomo tries to horn into the spotlight, declaring, "The Ten Commandments do not go far enough." He agonizes publicly over a possible run at divinity himself,
deciding in the end that "the Pharaohship is where I belong now." Moses presents the Ten Commandments (now renamed by Gergen "The Guaranteed Pathway to The Rapture Security Act") as planned in a dramatic ceremony at the Pearly Gates, featuring a hot "Rock n Roll Heaven" Band. Tsenturion Tsongas ridicules the plan, quipping, "I'm not Santa Claus - I can't promise you eternal life if you follow ten rules." Tsongas suggests a $1.00 per grain Sand Tax to pay for the sins of the people. He is stoned. The People oppose the plan upon learning of its strict rules, including a uniform penalty for non-compliance: roasting in the white-hot flames of hell for eternity. The Lord backpedals, saying, "I have never said that all of the Commandments are written in stone. All I want is righteousness as a whole. If we can approve "No Cussing" this year, we'll phase in the others over a ten-year period. "Adulterers of the Euphrates" puts considerable pressure on the King of Kings through their powerful lobbying group. God agrees to an amendment stating, "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery, Unless Thou Art Bigtime Sorry." One week before the vote, God gets tough, saying to Abraham: "Unless you vote for the package as proposed, I will take your first-born son." Abraham responds, "Okay, but you've got to come down to Mesopotamia and stand next to me on the podium at the Shepherd's of Distinction luncheon." A formal vote is held up in Congress when greedy representatives saddle the bill with the most useless make-work pork barrel project in history -- The Pyramids. Centurion Helms filibusters over failure to add Eleventh Commandment forbidding man to lie down with man. God goes directly to the people in a "Fireside Chat" -- his head appears in their fireplaces, surrounded by flames. Ratings are tremendous. Gergen advises the Lord, "You are coming across as too High and Mighty." The Lord snaps back at Gergen "I am high and mighty." You need to loosen up your image. Perhaps you can take up a musical instrument. See if Gabriel can teach you how to use that horn. Ponchus Perot appears on the "King Larry" show to debate. He is humiliated, causing an upsurge in support for the Ten Commandments, but not enough to win the votes. After a flurry of amendments and broad changes in the package as originally proposed, the bill is passed. The Lord signs the bill into law in a ceremony in the Cloud Garden. As passed, the law contains no commandments, but authorizes new aqueduct projects in the home districts of five key Centurions.