Extemp: Jokes

An engineer died and ended up in Hell. He was not pleased with the level of comfort in Hell, and began to redesign and build improvements. After a while, they had toilets that flush, air conditioning, and escalators. Everyone grew very fond of him. One day God called to Satan to mock him, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?" Satan replied, "Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God was surprised, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here."
"No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer, and I'm keeping him."
God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll sue!" Satan laughed and answered, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go, and he couldn't return to Earth.
The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "A million dollars," he answered, "because I want to donate it to MIT."
The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for two million dollars. "I want to give a million to my family", he explained, "and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."
The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, He whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars." "Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked. The lawyer replied, "If you give me $3 million, I'll give you $1 million, I'll keep $1 million, and we'll send the engineer."

In the beginning, God created heaven and earth. Shortly thereafter God was in receipt of a notice to show cause why he shouldn't be cited for failure to file an environmental impact statement. He was granted a temporary planning permit for the project, but was stymied by a Cease and Desist Order for the earthly part. At the hearing, God was asked why he began his earthly project in the first place. He replied that he just liked to be creative. Then God said, "Let there be light." Officials immediately demanded to know how the light would be made. Would it require strip mining? What about thermal pollution? God explained that the light would come from a huge ball of fire, and provisional approval was granted with the proviso that no smoke would result. The authorities demanded the issuance of a building permit, and (to conserve energy) required that the light be left off half the time. God agreed, saying he would call the light "Day" and the darkness "Night." Officials replied that they were only interested in protecting the environment, not in semantics. God said, "Let the earth bring forth green herb and such as many seed." The EPA agreed, so long as only native seed was used. Then God said, "Let waters bring forth creeping creatures having life; and the fowl that may fly over the earth." Officials pointed out this would require approval from the Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audubongelic Society. Everything went along smoothly until God declared that he intended to complete the project in six days. Officials informed God it would take at least 200 days to review his many waiver applications and environmental impact statements. After that there would have to be a public hearing, and then there would be a 10-12 month probationary period before.... At this point, God created Hell.

Three guys, a Canadian, Osama Bin Laden, and Uncle Sam are out walking one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it. "I'll give each of you one wish, that's 3 wishes total" says the genie. The Canadian says, "I'm a farmer, my dad was a farmer and my son also will farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada". With a blink of the genies eye, poof, the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming. Osama Bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan so no infidels, Jews or Americans can come into our precious state." Again with a blink of the genies eye, poof, there was a huge wall around Afghanistan. Uncle Sam asks, "I'm very curious, please tell me more about this wall." The genie explains, "well, it's about 15,000 feet high 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country, nothing can get in or out it." Uncle Sam says, "Fill it with water".

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said,"Someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job. Then Congress said,"How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies. Then Congress said,"How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports. Then Congress said,"How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions, a time keeper, and a payroll officer, then hired two people. Then Congress said,"Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary. Then Congress said,"We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost." So they laid off the night watchman.

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging of how great their fathers are. The first one says:"Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow". The second one says:"Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet". The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then says:"You two know nothing about fast. My father is a civil servant. He stops working at 4:30 and he is home by 3:45"!!

A Guy walks into a store. He sees three brains on display. One is a Libertarian Brain, priced at $250. The second is a Democrat Brain, priced at $275. The third is a Republican Brain, priced at $5,000,000. The Guy asks the sales clerk,"Man, why does the Republican brain cost so much more than the other two?" Clerk replies,"Well, sir, that brain has never been used.

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and has each of them try to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming. The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten raccoon. The raccoon is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

A few day's after George W. Bush's inauguration, a man came up to the uniformed Marine on duty at the White House and said "I'd like to see President Clinton. The Marine politely answered "Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer president." The man said, "Oh, O.K." and walked away. The next day the Marine was again on duty and the same man approached and again asked to see President Clinton. The Marine again answered, "Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer president." Again the man answered, "Oh, O.K." and walked away. The next day the same man approached the same Marine and again asked to see President Clinton. The Marine, a little annoyed, said "Sir, I've told you, Mr. Clinton is no longer president. Don't you understand that?" "Yes, I do" said the man, "But I just enjoy hearing it." The Marine smiled and said, "See you tomorrow"

Four boys were fishing. As their boat rounded a point on the lake, they saw a man thrashing in the water. With no hesitation, they jumped into the water and saved him. It was not until they pulled him to shore that they noticed the man they had saved was President George Bush, who had slipped away from the Secret Service for a swim. When President Bush caught his breath, he thanked the two boys and offered them anything they wanted in return for saving his life. The first boy thought about it for a while and finally answered. "I would like a presidential appointment to West Point so I can serve my country." The next two thought that was a great idea, but one said he had always wanted to be a pilot so he would rather attend the Air Force Academy. The third boy chose the Naval Academy. The president turned to the fourth boy, who was still thinking. Finally he answered, "Mr. President, I would like a burial with honors at Arlington National Cemetery" The president was shocked and asked the boy why he would make such a request at his young age. The boy replied "Because when my father finds out I saved you, he is going to kill me!"

A seedy-looking man was sitting in the first row at a town meeting, heckling the mayor as he delivered a lengthy speech. Finally the mayor pointed to the heckler and said, "Will that gentleman who differs with me please stand up and tell the audience what he has ever done for the good of the city?" "Well, Mr. Mayor," the man said in a firm voice. "I voted against you in the last election."

An older couple had a son, who was still living with his parents. The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his future career. They decided to do a small test. They took a ten- dollar bill, a bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table, and hid, pretending they're not home. The father's plan was: "If our son takes the money, he will be a businessman, if he takes the bible, he will be a priest - but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a drunkard." So, the parents waited nervously, hiding in the nearby closet. Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive. The son saw the note they had left. Then, he took the 10-dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket. After that, he took the bible, flicked through it, and took it. Then, he grabbed the bottle, opened it and took a whiff, to get assured of the quality. Then he left for his room, carrying all the three items. The father slapped his forehead, and said: "Darn. Our son is going to be a politician!"

It was election time, again. So, a politician decided to go out to the local reservation to gather support from the Native Americans. They were all assembled in the Council Hall to hear the speech. The politician had worked up to his finale, and the crowd was getting more and more excited. "I promise better education opportunities for Native Americans!" The crowd went wild, shouting "Hoya! Hoya!" The politician was a bit puzzled by the native word, but was encouraged by their enthusiasm. "I promise gambling reforms to allow a Casino on the Reservation!" "Hoya! Hoya!" cried the crowd, stomping their feet. "I promise more social reforms and job opportunities for Native Americans!" The crowd reached a frenzied pitch shouting "Hoya! Hoya! Hoya!" After the speech, the politician was touring the Reservation, and saw a tremendous herd of cattle. Since he was raised on a ranch, and knew a bit about cattle, he asked the Chief if he could get closer to take a look at the cattle. "Sure," the Chief said, "but be careful not to step in the hoya."

A turkey was standing in a field chatting to a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of yonder tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Whereupon he was spotted by a farmer who dashed into the farmhouse, emerged with a shotgun, and shot the turkey right out of the tree. Moral of the Story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

There once was a happy little fly buzzing around a barn one day when she happened upon a large pile of fresh cow manure. Since it had been hours since her last meal and she was feeling hunger pangs, she flew down to the irresistible delicacy and began to munch out. She ate and ate and then she ate some more !!! Finally, she decided she'd had plenty. She washed her face with her tiny front legs, belched a few times, then attempted to fly away. But alas she had pigged out far too much and could not get off the ground. She looked around wondering what to do about this unpleasant situation when she spotted a pitchfork leaning upright against the barn wall. She'd found a solution!! She realized if she could just become airborne she'd be able to fly. So, she, painstakingly, climbed to the top of the handle. Once there, she took a deep breath, spread her tiny fly wings, and leaped confidently into the air. She dropped like a rock and splattered all over the floor. Moral of the Story: "Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of crap."

A priest was driving along and saw nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing the habit to open and reveal a leg. The priest looks and nearly has an accident, and after changing gear lets his hand slide up her leg. She immediately says, "Father, remember Psalm 129". The priest says sorry and removes his hand but is unable to remove his eyes from her leg. Further on when he changes gear and has ogled at her leg for the zillionth time he lets the hand slide up the leg again. The Nun once again says, "Father remember Psalm 129". Arriving at the convent the nun gets out and the priest goes on his way. Once he arrives at his church he rushes to the bible and looks up Psalm 129 and it said, "GO FORTH AND SEEK, FURTHER UP YOU WILL FIND GLORY" Moral of the Story: In your job should always be well informed or you may miss a great opportunity.

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Moral of the Story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Einstein, Casals, Picasso, and GW bush die and go to heaven. St. Peter is waiting for them, and requests identification. Einstein, who is first in line, says "I don't have any ID, but I can explain the equivalence of matter and energy." He is given a blackboard and proceeds to give an eloquent explanation of one of his most famous theories.
"Only Einstein himself could explain this so well," says St. Peter.
"Step right in, professor. Next?"
Then Casals, who is next in line, says "I don't have any ID, but I can
play my cello to prove who I am." He is given a cello and plays the most beautiful music imaginable.
"There's no question, you must be Casals," says St. Peter. "Next?"
Picasso steps to the gate. "I don't have any ID, but I can paint a
picture to prove who I am." He is given some brushes and paints a spectacular picture.
"Okay, you're Picasso. Go right ahead," says St. Peter. "Next?"
"I'm George W. Bush," says the former president, "but I don't have any
ID. How can I prove who I am?"
"Well," says St. Peter. "Einstein was just here, and he discussed some
of this theories. Then there was Casals , who played the cello for us. Then Picasso came, and he painted a picture. Can you do anything like that?"
"Who are Einstein, Casals, and Picasso?" asks Eisenhower. St. Peter
looks at him and says,"Mr. President, go right in."

Why is it that in the US, we punish people for their vices? Isn’t the punishment inherent in the vice itself. You smoke, you get cancer. You drink too much, you wake up hung over. You have unprotected sex you get marriage. Punishment is natural.
That’s why drugs should be legal. If passing out on a park bench in winter because you’re too stoned to use your keys isn’t punishment enough….Besides, when you put them in jail, you’re only giving them a warm place to stay.

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room observed, "Yeah, right."

A police officer stops a driver and says, "Not only have you been driving too fast, you've been overtaking where it was not allowed. Your lights don't work, your tires all completely worn out... This is surely going to cost you a lot. What's your name ?"
"Schtrathewisizeski Vocgefastilolngchilnic."
After hesitating a bit, the officer replies with a stern look on his face, handing back his driver's license, "OK, let this be your last warning. Don't let me catch you doing this again."

A visitor from Netherlands was explaining the colors of his country's flag to his American host, "Our flag symbolizes our taxes. We get red when we talk about them, white when we see our tax bills and blue after paying them." The American host replied, "It's the same here, only we also see stars."

British archaeologists find several pieces of copper wire and they estimate the age to be about 25,000 years old. The British government proudly claims that the English had telephones a long long time ago. At around the same time, German Archaeologists find glass strands and they announce that ancient Germany was wired by fiber optic networks. The next month, the French Minister of Culture and Language announces, "Well, we dug and dug and found nothing. Therefore, we are pleased to conclude that ancient French used cellular phones, proving once again their superiority over their counterparts who used seemingly primitive technologies."

A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?" The mother says, "It's my daughter Heather. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings." He examines Heather, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, ma'am, but your dear Heather is about 4 months into it." The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Heather baby?" Heather is indignant; she replies furiously, "Absolutely not! I've never even kissed a man, mama!" The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there, doctor?" The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, we are told a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it this time!"

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat" "Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot. One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with -- who else? -- the parrot. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and another and another. After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"

The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."
"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."
"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and discussing their work. The first one said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. Everything inside them is numbered." "I think librarians are the easiest," said the second. "When you open them up, all their organs are arranged alphabetically." The third surgeon said, "I prefer to operate on electricians. Their organs are color-coded." "You're all wrong," said, the fourth. "Lawyers are easiest. They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and asses are interchangeable."

President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see one of his aides nervously approach him. "What is it?" yells the President. "It's this abortion bill, Mr. President. What do you want to do about it?" the aide asks. "Just go ahead and pay it." responds the President.

Canada recently passed a law which puts a skull and crossbones symbol on a pack of cigarettes to signify its harmful effects. In light of this, people in the US are raising the question of whether the US should put the symbol of a happy face on packages of medical marijuana.

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting the $100.
When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord, USA, they decided to send it to the President.
The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5 bill.
The little boy was delighted with the $5 and sat down to write a thank-you note to the Lord, which read:
Dear Lord,
Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington DC and, as usual, those jerks deducted $95

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the bread-winner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you People.
The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People gets ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

POLITICAL VIEWS DEFINED
Socialism - You have two cows. Give one to your neighbour.
Communism - You have two cows. Give both to the government. The government gives you milk.
Capitalism - You sell one cow and buy a bull.
Facism - You have two cows. Give milk to the government. The government sells it.
Nazism - The government shoots you and takes the cows.
New Dealism - The government shoots one cow, milks the other, and pours the milk down the sink.
Anarchism - Keep the cows. Steal another one. Shoot the government.
Conservatism - Freeze the milk. Embalm the cows.
Liberalism - Give away one cow. Get the government to give you a new cow. Now give them both away.

Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an
Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Worker.
To show off, the Engineer called to his dog.
"T-Square, do your stuff."
T- square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle.
Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his dog could do better.
He called his dog and said, "Slide Rule, do your stuff."
Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each.
Everyone agreed that was good. But the Chemist said his dog could do better.
He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff."
Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop.
Everyone agreed that was good.
Then the three men turned to the Government Worker and said, "What can your dog do?"
The Government Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff."
Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Worker's Compensation and went home on sick leave.

Seeing the brand new Porsche in the dealership windows Bill walks in, opens the door, sits in the car, adjust the mirrors and sear, sits back and closes his eyes and begins to grins widely. After a few seconds, a salesman, walks up.
“ I see your thinking about buying this car.” He says
“Oh I’m definitely buying this car,” says Bill. “But I’m thinking about women.”

The coroner is tasked to examine a body that just came in. He thinks it might have been have been a man named George he met once but he body is so badly so he calls in Georges two best friends to see if they can help in the ID. Al, the first friend walks in and says, “he’s pretty badly burned alright. Roll him over.” Staring at the dead man’s behind, al announces confidently, “nope, that’s not George.” Thinking it kind of a strange way to deny the ID, the coroner brings in the second friend Joe, who agrees, “yup he’s pretty badly burned but roll him over.” Again staring at the dead man’s behind the frined confidently announces that it is not George. “How do you know that it’s not George?” the still bewildered coroner asks. “Poor George had two assholes.” Said Joe.” What? How could he have two assholes?” asked the shocked coroner. “Everybody knows George has two assholes. Every time the three of us go out, everyone says, ‘oh look, there goes George and those two assholes’.”

California issued another power alert today. And things are getting serious. With computers, televisions and stereos all off, families are coming dangerously close to talking to one another.

Hit Television Shows in Iraq:
"Husseinfeld"
"Mad About Everything"
"U.S. Military Secrets Revealed"
"Suddenly Sanctions"
"Allah McBeal"
"Children Are Forbidden From Saying Anything Darndest"
"Buffy The Slayer of Yankee Imperialist Dogs"
"Iraq's Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers"
"Achmed's Creek"
"The Price is Right If Saddam Says It's Right"
"Two Guys, a Girl, and a Mosque"
"When Kurds Attack"
"My Two Baghdads"
"Everybody Loves Saddam Or He'll Have Them Shot"
"Captured Iranian Soldiers Say the Darndest Things"
"Totally Clothed Baywatch"

At a recent meeting between Pres. Bush and the Pope, a short hour long session got stretched to two days by complications in their discussion. After two days a weary Bush stood in from of the press and announced to the press that the meeting was a huge success with him and the Pope agreeing on 80% of the material. A few minute later, a tired and frustrate Pope addressed the press with a sad demeanor declaring the meeting a huge failure. A reporter asked why it was that the meeting was a success if he and the Pres. agreed on 80% of the material and the Pope replied, "Because we were talking about the 10 Commandments.

A List of Short Books
1) A Guide to Arab Democracies
2) A Journey through the Mind of Dennis Rodman
3) Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean
4) Career Opportunities for History Majors
5) Contraception by Pope John Paul II
6) Detroit - A Travel Guide
7) Different Ways to Spell "Bob"
8) Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches
9) Easy UNIX
10) Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance
11) Everything Men Know About Women
12) French Hospitality
13) Bob Dole: The Wild Years
14) How to Sustain a Musical Career by Art Garfunkel
15) Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette
17) Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA
18) Popular Lawyers
19) Staple Your Way to Success
20) The Amish Phone Book

A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."
The kid is puzzled, but decides to ask his mother. "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"
"Don't tell your father, but yes, I would."
He then goes to his sister's room. "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"
She replies, "Omigod! Definitely!"
The kid goes back to his father. "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with two easy women."

Similarities between the Titanic video and the Clinton grand jury testimony video:
Titanic: $9.99 on the Internet
Clinton: $9.99 on the Internet
Titanic: over 3 hours long
Clinton: over 3 hours long
Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, a subsequent catastrophe
Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, a subsequent catastrophe
Titanic: villain - White Star Line
Clinton: villain - Ken Starr
Titanic: Jack is a starving artist
Clinton: Bill is a B.S. artist
Titanic: In one part, Jack enjoys a good cigar
Clinton: Ditto for Bill
Titanic: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined
Clinton: Ditto for Monica
Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit
Clinton: Let's not go there
Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry
Clinton: Monica forced to return her gifts
Titanic: Behind the scenes, Leonardo DiCaprio is wildly popular
Clinton: Behind the scenes, Bill has a 70% approval rating
Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death
Clinton: Bill goes home to Hillary

There are a lot of video games. There are a lot of Jewish actors. They stare in a lot of movies based on video games. There is only one Jewish video game. It’s called Quicken.

There was an old woman who was walking down the street one windy day. As each gust of wind would come, her skirt would fly up exposing, everything it covered. After this happened a few times, a young man walking behind her sheepishly asked,
“Ma’am, why don’t you try to hold down your skirt as you walk so the gusts of wind don’t lift it up and, well…. Expose you”?
“Sonny”, she said sternly, “ Everything below this skirt is 82 years old, this hat on my head is brand new”.

Dry cleaning is a scam, you cannot clean my dry because I do not own one, nor can you clean with dry since it is not really a think. I can’t walk in and say “Here’s my coat I would like it cleaned with only 100% pure organic dry please.” Doesn’t happen. Worse yet, if I bring in a shirt caked with mud and say “Here’ you go I want this shirt spotless and you can’t use any liquids.” What are they going to do, blow on it real hard? The whole bit is a sham to sell wire hangers and plastic wrap.

Three convicts are on their way to jail and are allowed one item to pas time while incarcerated. The first prisoner turns to the second and asks, “So what did you bring?”
“I brought paints.” Claims the first one. “I’ll be the Grandma Moses of jail and I’ll paint anything I can get my hands on. How ‘bout you?”
’I brought a deck of cards.” The first one replies. “ I can play any number of games, poker, solitaire, blackjack, gin, whatever.”
The third convict, seeing the other two, begins to smile to himself. Thje other two, taking notice, ask him, “Why are you so smug, what did you bring?”
“I brought a helmet here.” he says patting the box
Puzzled, the other two ask what he intends to do with it
“Well,” he says, “according to the box, I can go bike riding, skydiving, rollerblading…” -

A man’s wife sent him out one day to buy a ham. Upon his return she remarked, “Oh, you forgot to cut the end of the ham off.”
“Why would I want to cut off the end of a ham?” asked the man.
“I don’t know,” responded, the wife, “It’s just something I learned from my mother.” The next day while visiting his mother in law, the man asked why she cut’s off the end of ham.
“Oh, she replied, I don’t know I guess it’s just something I learned from my mother.”
More curious now, the man decided to call up the grandmother long distance, and asked her why she cuts off the end of a ham. “Well,” she replied, “It’s really very simple, my oven is too small to cook the whole ham.”
We often do things out of simple convention, rather than doing things out of purpose and reason.

All in all, the White House hasn’t changed all that much since GW Bush took office. The only real difference is that we went from a President that embarrassed his daughter to daughters who embarrassed the President.

A manager is having an affair with his secretary. One night the man wakes up in his mistresses bed and realizes he is very late, he should have been home hours ago. "quick" he says, waking up the mistress, "take my shoes and walk around in the yard with them." He said. Not understanding, the woman complied anyway, as the man hopped into the shower. He gets out of the shower, quickly dresses and goes home.
As he reaches the doorway, he is greeted by his angry wife. "Where have you been?" she yells at him. "Do you have any idea what time it is?"
"I can't lie to you dear, I've been having an affair with my secretary. After making passionate love to her, I fell asleep and only woke up twenty minutes ago." the husband replies sorrowful.
"Don't you lie to me you jerk," the woman screams. "I see your shoes, you've been golfing again!"

In today's vibrant economy, even previously undesirable traits like being rude and obnoxious, can lead to successful careers. Telemarketing for example, or Sunday morning Political Pundit.

The Federal Government rarely makes any sense. Take for example, the Uniformed Division of the Secret Service. Doesn't the uniform sort of give away the secret? What makes even less sense is that they drive around in white cars with little shield logos painted on the side. You know, even illiterate criminals know a white car with a shield on the side means "cop."

Political correctness remains a hot topic today, though to be honest, I don't understand it at all. I mean, politics is one of the least respected professions in the whole world, so the idea that anything could be correct with it seems...well...incorrect. Now political suicide or putting them all in political asylum seems to be a better goal.

While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 90-year-old man, a doctor and the old man were discussing Bush's health care reform ideas. The old man said, "Well, ya know, old Bush is a post turtle."
So, not knowing what he meant the doctor asked him what a "post turtle" was.
He said, "When your driving down a country road, and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle. You know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't belong there, he can't get anything done while he's up there, and you just want to help the poor thing down."

George W. and Laura are at a restaurant. The waiter tells them tonight's specials are chicken and fish.
"The chicken sounds good; I'll have that," Laura says.
The waiter nods. "And the vegetable?" he asks.
"Oh, he'll have the fish," Laura replies.

A woman drove a mini-van filled with a dozen screaming kids through the mall parking lot, looking for a space. Frazzled, she coasted through a stop sign. "Hey, lady, have you forgotten how to stop?" yelled an irate man. She rolled down her window and yelled back, "What makes you think these are all mine ?"

A man walks into a lawyer's office and asks how much the barrister's rates are.
The lawyer says fifty dollars for three questions.
The man asks, "Isn't that awfully expensive"
"Yes," the lawyer replies, "what's your third question?"

A drunk was driving through town, weaving violently all over the road, when a cop finally pulled him over.
"Where have you been?" asked the cop.
"At the pub," slurred the drunk.
"Well, it looks to me like you've had quite a few," the cop snapped.
"I guess I did," said the drunk with a smirk.
"Are you aware that your wife fell out of the car a few intersections back?" the cop asked sternly.
"Thank goodness," sighed the drunk. "I thought I had gone deaf!"

A White House press release noted that during his last physical, Pres. Bush measured his resting heart rate at 43 beats per minute. Not only does this make him the healthiest Pres. to date, it also marks the first time a President’s resting heart rate equals his IQ

A Senator was walking doen Pennsylvania Ave. one day when he noticed an old bottle lying on the sidewalk. Wanting to be a conservationaist conservative he picked up the bottle and wiped it off. Suddenly a magic genie appeared.
“Thank you for setting me free. In return for my freedom i shall grant you one wish.”
So the Senator thought a while and finally he said, “alright, I’ve got it, work in the Senate ges me so wound up I really need a vacation. The only problem is I have a fear of flying and boats take too long. Could you build me a bridge to _____(insert warm and sunny place here, by default I would say Hawaii or Grand Cayman, but for a Cuba question if may be good to improvise)______.”
“He, he, he.....uuuummmmm,” said the genie, “see, here’s the thing. It’s been about 5,000 years and I’m kind of rusty, could we maybe try somethign a little easier here?”
“okay,” replied the Senator, “how about ___(insert topic here, ‘a balanced budget’, ‘a bi-partisan congress’, ‘a decent Pres.’, ‘welfare reform’)_________”
“Right.” The genie quickly responded, “and how long was that bridge again?” (or if you like the other punchline is “and would you like that bridge with two lanes or four?”)

Three Wannabe Detectives
A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 second and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his profile."
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be
too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"
The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds"...think hard before giving me a stupid answer."
he blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmm...the suspect wears contact lenses."
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer...wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that." He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.
"Wow! I can't believe it...it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?
"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

HOW TO MESS WITH THE IRS!
(Internal Revenue Service, an agency of the government to whom Americans pay taxes on their salary.)
--Always put staples in the right hand corner. Go ahead and put a down the whole right side. The extractors who remove the mail from the envelopes have to take out any staples in the right side.
--Never arrange paperwork in the right order, or even facing the right way. Put a few upside down and backwards. That way they have to remove all your staples rearrange your paperwork and re-staple it (on the left side).
--Line the bottom of your envelope with elmer's glue and let it dry before you put in your forms, so that the automated opener doesn't open it and the extractor has to open it by hand.
--If your very unfortunate and have to pay taxes use a two or three party check.
--On top of paying with a three party check pay one of the dollars you owe in cash. When an extractor receives cash, no matter how small an amount, he has to take it to a special desk and fill out of few nasty forms.
--Write a little letter of appreciation. Any letter received has to read and stamped regardless of what it is or what its on.
--Write your letter on something misshapen and unconventional. Like on the back of a Kroger sack.
--When you mail it, mail it in a big envelope (even if its just a single EZi form). Big envelopes have to be torn and sorted differently than regular business size ones. An added bonus to the big envelope is that they take priority over other mail, so the workers can hurry up and deal with your mess.
--If you send 2 checks they'll have to staple your unsightly envelope to your half destroyed form.
--Always put extra paper clips on your forms. Any foreign fasteners or the like have to be removed and put away.
--Sign your name in ink on every page. Any signature has to verified and then date stamped.
NOTE: These are just a few of the fun and exciting things you can do with the man. These methods are only recommended when you owe money