Extemp: One Liners

Africa is like a sleeping lion; beautiful when left alone

I have realized why politicians do nothing to improve the quality of public school education. They are terrified of educated voters

We'll have peace in Ulster if we have to kill everyone to do it.

NAVY
Never Again Volunteer Yourself

MARINE
Muscles Are Required Intelligence Not Essential

ARMY
Aren't Ready to be Marines Yet

He who is filled with hot air rises to great heights.

Enron finally got a new auditor, The Count from Sesame Street Financial Services

Jeffrey Dahmer was going to get a bail bond before going to trial but it would have cost him an arm and a leg.

Modern drugs: Better Living Through Chemistry.

If Visa is "everywhere you want to be" does that mean it's accepted in heaven?

Why harp on today's media when stories like "Hansel and Gretel” contain blatant acts of pedophilia, murder and cannibalism?

If you really have to practice what you preach in heaven, isn't that punishment enough?

Did Moses train by parting smaller things first, like ponds or maybe bowls of soup?

The nightly news: telling us what we think is important.

The Fourth of July: Celebrating our freedom....to eat and drink 'till we're woozie and set off explosives.

All college is good for is getting you a BA so you can BS your way past the HR people to be a CPA for some PR firm.

Is it illegal t use a cellular phone while operating a bumper car in New York too?

Cases of justifiable homicide: Guy in a restaurant, on a cell phone

Isn’t bad cholesterol organic too?

Have you ever wondered whether Roman gladiators, got free lifetime medical coverage?

I think the most honest politician would be the one who started in the fertilizer business.

Despite consistent ridicule by liberals, GW Bush has a striking intelligence. It's been striking since 1968.

Despite the placement of a pacemaker, VP Dick Cheney is in striking good health. It's been striking since right before his first heart attack.

It's always bothered me that doctors call what they do "practice."

As Daniel Boone once said, "we're not out of the woods yet."

_________ is like bowling: His head is as smooth as the ball, got hit by a strike, had nothing to spare and ended up in the gutter.

Why is there only one monopolies commission?

Medical research has shown the brain to be comprised of approximately sixty percent fat. This just suports what kids have known for a long time: Ice cream is brain food.

Why do parents make toddlers play in the sand and then tell them to think outside the box?

When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

Can a vegetarian eat animal crackers?

What do we do if there is an endangered animal that can only eat an endangered plant?

If a police officer has to arrest a mime do they still tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Rporters asked George W. Bush today if he wanted his $1.6T tax cut for rich people to be retroactive to which he replied, "No, 'cause then only Superman could touch it."

Why is a weekly news magazine dangerous at a party? Because TIME flies when you're having fun

They say that it's tough to learn Bosnian because it has seven verb tenses: six past, one present, and no future.

What will Clinton be remembered for?
Being the President after Bush

Have you ever heard of the Longhorn Style Extemp Speech? Most extempers use this style it without even knowing it. It’s got two good points but a lot of bull in between.

If nicotine is so addictive why aren’t people addicted to second hand smoke?

NATO: Not Altogether Though Out

Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?

What do chickens think we taste like?

What do people in China call their good plates?

What do you call a male ladybug?

What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

There would be fewer problems with children if they had to chop wood to keep the television set going.

It rarely occurs to teenagers that the day will come when they'll know as little as their parents.

Confucius says: “To save face, keep bottom half shut”

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand

Hard work pay's off in the future, but laziness pays off now

Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people seem bright until you hear them speak

Drugs may lead nowhere but at least it's the senic route

Before you get into an argument with someone, walk a mile in their shoes. Then you'll be a mile away and you'll have their shoes.