Extemp: Attention Getters

Under the Bush administrations new education restructuring plan, the grading system would change. A "A" grade could mean average, and a grade of "F" denotes "Fantastic." All this restructuring really means is that millions of American students would finally be getting a first rate education. Of course we should expect no less of a system that teaches the "Three R's or Reading, Riting, and Rithmatic

In Texas recently an inmate was put to death based upon the testimony of a sole eyewitness. In light of this I'd like to try a little test. I'd like you to describe from memory, the last speaker in here. How tall was he/she? What was he/she wearing? Was he/she wearing glasses? Okay, now if this person was accused of murder, would you feel comfortable sending him/her to death based upon your description?

Did you know that one in every 200 people is a psychopath? There are _______ people in Congress alone. What does this say to us about our government?

Hydrogen is an explosive gas....Oxygen supports combustion. Yet when these are combined, they form water, with is used to fight fires. Likewise, Jesse Jackson is an explosive liberal and Rush Limbaugh supports combustion of liberals, but when they are combined......oh never mind, that would cause lots and lots of fire.........

Did you know that cat urine glows under a blacklight? Did you know that if you count the number of times a cricket chirps in one minute, divide by 2, add nine, and divide by two again, you have the correct temperature in Celsius? Isn’t it amazing what we learn in school? While 90% of Dutch teenagers are fluent in English, where only 80% of American teenagers are fluent in English, but I’ll bet the Dutch kids don’t know about cat urine and blacklight. The American education system is not without its problems......

If lawyers can be disbarred and clergymen defrocked, shouldn't it follow that... ...electricians can be delighted... ...musicians denoted... ...laundry workers decreased... ...cowboys deranged... ...models deposed... ...dry cleaners depressed... ...and maybe, with any luck, politicians devoted?

Enclosed is my 2000 Tax Return & payment. Please take note of the attached article from USA Today. In the article, you will see that the Pentagon paid $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat. So, please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029). This brings my total payment to $3429.00. Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return. Might I suggest you the send the above mentioned fund a "1.5 inch screw?" (See attached article...HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch Phillips Head Screw.) It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year. I just saw an article about the Pentagon and "screwdrivers." Signed, A Faithful Taxpayer

Can you imagine working at the following company? It has a little over 500 employees with the following statistics: * 29 have been accused of spousal abuse * 7 have been arrested for fraud * 19 have been accused of writing bad checks * 117 have bankrupted at least two businesses * 3 have been arrested for assault * 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit * 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges * 8 have been arrested for shoplifting * 21 are current defendants in lawsuits * In 1998 alone, 84 were stopped for drunk driving Yes, these employees are the 535 members of your United States Congress. The same group that perpetually cranks out hundreds upon hundreds of new laws designed to keep the rest of us in line.

Good Luck: Leprechaun
Bad Luck: Ted Kennedy
Good Luck: Rabbit’s foot
Bad Luck: ...Yeah, real lucky for the rabbit...
Good Luck: Finding a four leaf clover
Bad Luck: Finding a four leaf clover in a patch of poison ivy
Good Luck: Wishing on a falling star
Bad Luck: Wishing on a falling Russian Space Station
Good Luck: Dropping a penny in a wishing well
Bad Luck: Dropping a young child in a wishing well
Good Luck: Rubbing Buddha’s belly
Bad Luck: Rubbing Al Gore’s belly
Good Luck: Good luck pennies
Bad Luck: ...dropped on you from the top of the Empire State Building
Good Luck: Finding $10 on the street
Bad Luck: Finding a $10 hooker on the street
Good Luck: Winning the lottery
Bad Luck: Winning a visit from Pat Robertson
Good Luck: Crucifix or Rosary
Bad Luck: Being Catholic
Good Luck: Pot of gold at the end of a rainbow
Bad Luck: Pot of gold at the start of a 10 year stint for theft
Good Luck: Rubbing a bald head
Bad Luck: Rubbing Jesse Ventura
Good Luck: Lucky #7
Bad Luck: Fixing numbers for Enron gets you 7 to 10
Good Luck: Blowing on the dice when playing craps
Bad Luck: Blowing on Andrew Dice Clay

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD
Ronald Reagan - "I forget"
Mark Twain - "The news of his crossing has been greatly exxagerated".

Pentagon Buzz-Phrases
Essentially complete... It's half done.
We predict ... We hope to God!
Risk is high, but within acceptable ranges of risk: 100:1 odds, or with 10 times over budget using 10 times the people we said we'd employ.
Potential show stopper... The team has updated their resumes.
Serious but not insurmountable problems... It'll take a miracle.
Basic agreement has been reached... The @##$%%'s won't even talk to us.
Results are being quantified... We're massaging the numbers so they will agree with our conclusions.
Task force to review... Seven people who are incompetent at their regular jobs have been loaned to the project
Not well defined at this time... Nobody's even thought about it.
Still analyzing the requirements... See previous answer.
Not well understood... Now that we've thought about it, we don't want to think about it anymore.
Requires further analysis and management attention... Totally out of control!
Results are promising... Turned power on and no smoke detected -- this time.

Policy Debate Judging criteria
Solvency: So far the only things I see being solved, is insomnia
Harms: The only harm in policy debate is the harm to my intelligence
DisAd: ...and I could have been watching a round of SPAR, or HI
Ad: ...at least I didn’t have to sit through another round of PR
Topicality: Resolved: The Federal government should enact new legislation to ban the judging of policy debate as cruel and unusual punishment

Journalism course the University of Arizona:
ICBM – Inter-Continental Business Machine
Fidel Castro - Palestinian leader whose wife likes to buy lots of shoes
Alzheimer’s - Imported beer

AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked "intellectual leadership". He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence...

Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting to please come out and give himself up...

An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts...

A man in Taormina, Italy was hospitalized after swallowing 46 teaspoons, 2 cigarette lighters, and a pair of salad tongs.

Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month -- a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system..."

A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

Los Angeles Police lucked out with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"

A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. "He was seen hopping and jumping around," said police spokesman Mike Carey, "with an explosion taking place inside his pants." Police have the man's charred trousers in custody.

A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day suspension under his elementary school's drug policy last week - for Certs! Joey Hoeffer allegedly told a classmate that the mints would make him "jump higher." And a student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days for giving a classmate a cough drop. School principal Forest Mann reiterated the school's "zero-tolerance" policy...not to be confused with the "zero-intelligence" policy...

In Medford, Oregon, a 27-year-old jobless man with an MBA blamed his college degree for his murder of three people. "There are too many business grads out there," he said. "If I had chosen another field, all this may not have happened."

In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain.

More than 600 people in Italy wanted to ride in a spaceship badly enough to pay $10,000 a piece for the first tourist flight to Mars. According to the Italian police, the would-be space travelers were told to spend their next vacation on Mars, amid the splendors of ruined temples and painted deserts. Ride a Martian camel from oasis to oasis and enjoy the incredible Martian sunsets. Explore mysterious canals and marvel at the views. Trips to the moon also available. "Authorities believe that the con men running this scam made off with over six million dollars.

A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"

In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. Hmmm...wonder what he uses for a knife?

Authentic Graffiti
“Make love, not war. Hell, do both: get married!” - Women's Restroom; The Filling Station. Bozeman, Montana
“I've decided that to raise my grades, I must lower my standards.” - Houghton Library, Harvard University. Cambridge, Massachusetts.
“It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.” - Written in the dust on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona.
“If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.” - Revolution Books. New York, New York.
“A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.” - Women's Restroom, Dick's Last Resort. Dallas, Texas.
“No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her crap.” - Men's Restroom, Linda's Bar and Grill. Chapel Hill, North Carolina.
“If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress!” - Men's Restroom, House of Representatives. Washington, D.C.